An Itch You Just can't Scratch

This year is quickly coming to a close. It's a surreal feeling. This has been the most pivotal year of my life, thus far. I don't know what to think of two thousand and ten's imminent departure. A good thing? I'm not quite sure.

I almost feel like I have an itch that I just can't scratch. Something that I haven't managed to accomplish this year. As much as I'd like to say that I'm independent, I'm simply not. I'm not. Yes, I live on my own...underneath my aunt and uncle. Yes, I have my own apartment...that I don't pay for. I can't even pay my own car insurance for Christ's sake. What am I? Twelve?

I feel like at this year's closing I won't be able to honestly say much has changed. Scratch that. A lot has changed. But I have somehow become even more financially dependent on my parents and family. It's annoying. I tell myself I'm an adult when I am clearly not. I am looking around my apartment right now. It's messy like 15 year old girls bedroom. I have no kitchen utensils, save for a single rubber spatula that I got at Disney a few years ago. The only reason I even have Tupperware to use is because my mom was nice enough to leave some for me.

My refrigerator consists of bagels, cream cheese, expired milk, and apple sauce. Add that to a box of mac and cheese and a good deal of Ramen and you have my entire stock of food. It's not even that I haven't gone grocery shopping in a while, this is just all I eat. I own nothing. I have no money to my name. It's a very demoralizing feeling.

I am leaving 2010 with no money, no assets except my 1997 Buick, and a strong sense that there's something better to be spending my money on than the book I really want.

I am lucky enough to be blessed with a family that has and probably will continue to support me.

With that, I am announcing my New Year's resolution to you. Here. Right now.

I want to finish 2011 with a feeling of accomplishment.

Happy New Years.

Situations Passed: a bad thing?

Do you ever revel in the moments that changed your life? Those instances where everything changes, hopefully for the better? What about the moments that you've let pass by? The times that had the potential to be incredible but for whatever reason weren't, and ended up being a faint memory somewhere in the recesses of your mind?

I was thinking about how if you asked a mother what would happen if they never would have had one of their children. They, I imagine, would look at you with a great sadness. Imagining it as if they would miss them. In reality, they would never know that that child had ever had the potential to exist.

That brought me to the thought: what if, in our lifetime, we pass by the chance to have many children. We aren't usually sad about the children we could've had. (No, I'm not talking about abortion or anything like that)

And that is what led me to the thought about the life-changing experiences. Look at that, we came full circle. It was just some thoughts I had. Some questions that arose in my mind. Think about it.

Courage: it's a tricky thing

I just tried to post something on here. It's something I've tried to post before and couldn't. It's something personal I wrote a few months ago and while I want to share it with you, I can't. You see, it's not a happy narrative. It's not a poem. It's not anything pertaining to the coming holidays. Nope, it's raw. And sad. And full of not good stuff. I want to share it with you because I think it's interesting but at the same time I don't want to be looked at different or worried about.

Anyhoo, I just felt dissatisfied that I couldn't post it so I figured I'd post this instead; a rambling, not-making-sense post for your enjoyment.

Goodnight, all.

North South East West?

The other day I made the decision to apply to University of Buffalo for a degree in English with a focus in Creative Writing. I was pretty jazzed, because I had finally made up my mind about what I wanted to do. With this degree I can go into many fields of writing which, deep down, is what I wanted all along. I was completely content knowing that I had made the decision and fully intended to follow it through.

Then...Cheryl called. We chitted, we chatted. Not about anything particularly important. But she happened to mention the idea of going to school in Florida. Now my mother has mentioned this before. I'll be honest, I usually just wrote it off without thinking about it much (sorry, Mom). When Cheryl said it, stating the fact that as long as I went to school in Fl she could go with me, it sounded a whole-heck-of-a lot more interesting. I actually considered it.

The first few universities we looked at were ruled out for various reasons. Then we landed on UCF. The University of Central Florida. My sister's alma mater. I'd always loved the school (And not just because I like to copy my sister. Which, I'll admit, I have been known to do on occasion). I looked further and realized that it not only had an English degree, I could actually get my bachelor's in Creative Writing (Oh you know...that's only my DREAM).

Once I saw that, I was unable to stop myself from picturing it. Me. Cheryl. UCF. Heaven. I could honestly see it being the best four years of my life. Easily. It was then that I became conscious of the fact that I now had an extremely hard decision to make. I could go back to Florida and go to college with my best friend at a great university only three hours away from home. OR I could go to the University of Buffalo (I'm pretty sure it's a good university, but I'll admit I don't know much about it). I could meet what are sure to be great people. I could continue to lay down the roots I've already started here.

So now I'm torn. I've made enough friends here and become so close to my family here that either way I'm going to miss a lot of people. As I've probably said too many times already, nothing is as permanent as it seems. While I'm considering going to college in Florida I still do not plan to live there after I'm graduated. I don't even necessarily plan on living in Eden. The point is, I don't know where the heck I'm going. I don't have any kind of five year plan in place. I don't know where I see myself in ten years.

I'm continually learning that to make this crazy thing called "life" work you have to be flexible. You have to go with the flow, no matter where that takes you. I'm kind of thinking the flow is heading to Orlando, Florida. I just don't know. Thing is...because I've waited so long to think about where the flow may or may not be going I'm nearing deadlines for a good amount of schools. So I don't have that long to apply.

The fact that I'm writing this at 1:00 in the morning is probably not good. I'm really tired and I'm worried this is going to sound slightly incoherent and there may be some grammar mistakes, just a warning. I just wanted to get this down because I've witnessed too many times how waiting to write a blog post until a more convenient time usually ends up with me never writing it. With that, I'll bid you all adieu!

My Dreams: pretty darn epic

So lately my dreams have consisted of me in some life or death rebellion type of thing. Not a big, huge fight to the death but rather I'm in the minority of whatever oppression is going on. I'm always on the travel in secret. Sometimes with other people, other times alone. If you go to my tumblr (here) and watch the short movie "Outliers" (It's only nine minutes and believe me, you won't notice the time) that will give you a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about. I would say maybe the video was the cause, except this has been happening for at least a week I'd say.

I don't know, I'm not usually huge on interpreting my dreams because they're so vivid and weird I don't even want people to know the odd things that go through my slumbering mind. But this is interesting to me. I rarely have recurring themes in my dreams. I looked up "rebellion" on a dream interpretation website. It told me this:

Rebel 
To dream that you are a rebel, indicates that you need to stand up for yourself and be your own person, even though it may go against the masses. It is time to take action.


Now, there are always things going on in my noggin that make me want to rebel against the masses, but none that are really standing out right now. I highly doubt my rant against killing mice (If confused, see post below) could really be giving me recurring dreams about rebellion. Yeah, I know I'm a passionate person, but I don't think I'm that passionate about the inhumane killing of mice.

If you have any input I'd be eager to hear it.

Tumblr: I'm moving back in

I'll still be posting my blogs on here, but there are a lot of moments in the day where I want to post cool websites I find, and awesome short movies I stumble across and the like. I'd like to keep this blog for writing my normal posts and I don't like bombarding my Facebook with links. So I figure I'll use Tumblr for that and that way you can look if you want to or just ignore me like people usually do. Anyhoo... yep that's about it for now. Tootles!

P.S. Is everyone ready for Christmas? I'm not. Not even close. But hopefully by the time I leave for Florida I'll have everything purchased, wrapped, and packed. Oy!

Thanksgiving: a time for thanks (as the name implies)

Thanksgiving has passed and it just dawned on me today that I really haven't thought about all I'm thankful for. I don't usually sit down and make a big production of it, but this year is quite different than Thanksgivings past. That being said, I feel it's important for people to see what I'm thankful for this beautiful fall.

I'm thankful that I had the courage to move. It hasn't always been fun, but I've become so much more of an adult than I could have ever hoped to be at this point in my life. On the other hand, I'm also thankful that I'm still able to feel like a child in many respects.

I'm thankful to my family. My Florida family for being my rocks. Sometimes I feel like I'm home, just because they are. They have been my guiding light, my guardian angels, and simply knowing they are only a phone call away is one of the sweetest blessings. They are so close, miles mean nothing to me. My New York family for ushering me into my new life with finesse, heart, and strength. They are the reason I haven't gone running back to Florida with my tail between my legs.

I'm thankful for my friends. My best friend Cheryl, of course, makes this list. Her phone calls are sometimes the very height of my day. Without her voice sometimes I forget why I'm doing the crazy things I'm doing. But other than her, there are many more to be thankful for. My Florida friends for reminding me of home. For keeping on with their lives, and reminding me of the memories we have shared. Every once in a while, all it takes to put a smile on my face is to hear one of my friends telling me how I came up in conversation and that I am missed. My New York friends for making me feel a part of something. The people I've met at school have made all the crap I've gone through with ECC completely worthwhile. They are my supports, my jesters, and above all just really great and eclectic people. I do hope they realize how much they all mean to me.

I'm thankful for all the trials and tribulations I have gone through. Gaining and losing jobs, almost not going to ECC this semester, those are all things that taught me to be flexible. They showed me that I am not always in control and I need to be okay with knowing that. I think I am.

With all this being said, I can't forget that I'm thankful for the roof over my head. I'm thankful I have the extreme fortune to be able to live as I please, for I know that others don't have the same right.

Please be thankful for what you have, I guarantee it's more than most on the wonderful planet we call home.

Let me paint you a little picture. Imagine a golden retriever, real cute thing. We'll call him "Woofy". Imagine you've grown tired of Woofy getting into the trash and spreading it all over the kitchen floor. Yeah, that really gets you cheesed. What do you do? Well of course, you lay out some bacon (Woofy's favorite). When Woofy goes to retrieve the bacon you've so obviously laid out for him, a steel bar catches him and instantly snaps his spine. It blocks Woofy's airways so it doesn't take long for him to suffocate to death. That'll teach good ol' Woofy not to play with the garbage anymore.

What? You're horrified at the picture I've painted for you? Your mouth is hanging open in disgust? Really? Well all I was describing was a dog-sized mousetrap. Plenty of people use those everyday. All the time. One probably just snapped a mouses spine in half. Yeah. I'm going there.

When, in the evolution of man, did we take on the God-like task of deciding which species have value and rights and which are nothing more than dirt to walk on? If I were to kill a dog in the way I just described I would be crucified in the media. Peta would be hounding me. I would be ostracized from society. Yet, a mouse is nothing to us.

It's not like a mouse can feel pain. Oh wait...it can. Just like we can. Would you be so okay with killing little Mickey if it could scream in pain like we can? I bet not. See, dogs can whimper. That gives them a human quality. Us humans love human-like qualities. It's just not fair. Why do cats and dogs get rights against abuse yet mice are slaughtered on a daily basis and no one bats an eye?

And for that matter, why are we allowed to hunt for pleasure? What makes it okay to kill an innocent deer but not okay to kill an innocent dog? And I don't want to hear the whole "People have been hunting for hundreds, even thousands of years!" excuse. Our ancestors hunted out of necessity. I doubt cavemen went out on Sundays to see what kind of trophy they could come home with, just to stuff it and mount it on the wall. As for the more recent past that includes hunting for pleasure, I really find the "back in the day" excuse quite flimsy. I happen to recall a thing called "slavery" being all the rage a while ago. Should we bring that back in style? I mean, the people of yester-year must have known best, right?

This is just something that has been percolating in my mind and it has finally spilled out on here. No, I'm not calling for a rally to ban the killing of mice. I just want people to think about what they're doing to the world. Just because your actions may not directly affect another person they can affect the world around you, including animals (not just household pets, I mean things that aren't necessarily cute and furry). Please, please just think about what I'm saying and consider the fact that I might just be on to something.

Do you ever listen to a song that almost immediately puts tears in your eyes? Or maybe inspires you to write or draw? Like you need to thank the music somehow. Thank the person that wrote and performed it. Thank them by creating something of your own. It's like you owe the universe a debt by listening to something so purely magical. I honestly can't even think straight sometimes when I'm listening to something beautiful. I get too caught up in the melodies that I'm paralyzed until it's over. If you don't know the feeling that I'm talking about, I do pity you.

Veterans: always in my heart

I just posted but this is a little more important than my ramblings. I want to give a heart felt THANK YOU to everybody that is or has served in the military. My cousin is overseas fighting for his country right now and for that I owe him everything that I have and everything that I am. He is doing far greater things than I ever will.

But this isn't just for those serving overseas now. Not that what they're doing isn't incredibly heroic but we can't forget those that have already served. With that, I thank my father and brother for doing what I don't have the strength to do. And thank you to the other members of my family that have served in the past.

I can't even adequately articulate what I'm trying to say so I'm going to leave it at this: thank you. You are appreciated.

I love you Sean, Dad, and Nathan. =)

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” -James Dean

I stumbled upon one of those nice life quotes that you always read and go, "Awww, that's nice. I should do that," except you never think about it again. At least, you don't think about it until you read the next life quote you happen upon and think to yourself, "Hmmm, isn't that a nice way to live your life? I should try and be like that". I decided upon reading this one that I would actually think about how it is saying to live my life, and whether I actually do or would do any of these things. Here's the quote:

Take Chances. I think I'm doing pretty well with this one. I try not to get big headed with the whole "moving away from home" thing. You don't really think that's something that even could go to your head but believe me, after months of having people compliment you on doing it and surviving, it can honestly get hard not to be one of those I-can-do-anything-because-I-am-all-that kind of people. Usually, though, one really bad day is enough to kick that right out of me.

Tell The Truth. I'll be honest. I've lied. But pretty much every lie I remember telling occurred when I was a wee little lassie. Now-a-days, I'm too chicken to lie. I just know someone is going to find out and it ends up worse for me in the end.

Date Somebody Totally Wrong For Me. Ehhh, even though my dating history is little more than a few names written on a sticky-note I have in fact dated somebody totally wrong for me. And honestly? I don't see why that would be a good thing. If the person is "totally wrong for you" that kind of implies it's not going to go very well. But hey, what do I know? Moving on!

Say No. This one is kind of a toughy for me. If I'm feeling confident about who I'm talking to and I'm comfortable with the situation than sure, I'll say no. But put me at work and they're asking me to work a double even though I really don't want to-there's no way I'm saying no. No lie-I canceled dinner plans with my great aunt and uncle to work when I wasn't scheduled. I CANNOT say no sometimes.

Spend All Your Cash. This one I like. When I have money in my wallet that has no purpose other than to give me a false sense of wealth hell yeah I'm going to spend it! Yes, I should be saving for college. I totally understand that. But money should not be the ruling factor in my life. If I want something I should be able to get it without feeling guilty. That being said, I very rarely do this so I don't want any sass about it.

Get To Know Someone Random. My younger self would pounce on the chance to meet anyone new. That younger me is gone and in her place a more reserved (I know not always, but most of the time), quiet me. That makes it quite hard to get to know random people. That being said, my class at ECC is just about the most random mix of people I have ever seen. We are all crazy and unique and awesome in our one singular way. It's a really cool thing to mesh with people that you have seemingly nothing in common with (except baking).

Be Random. I love this one. Really love it. Randomness is one of the best traits of our species. Just tonight, I hopped in my car and made the half an hour trip (that's an hour round trip, people) for a burrito. Was it a logical use of my time and gas? Hell no. Was it worth it. Hell yes. I am a person that thrives off lists and order and organization. But to live your life to the fullest sometimes you just have to throw your plans out the window and go where the wind takes you.

Alright, as this post is getting a little lengthy and I'm not even half way done I'm going to end this for now. Worry not, I'm going to finish writing it now and then post the rest tomorrow when I remember.

I do hope you enjoy what I write. It makes me happy to have someone to write to without knowing exactly who I'm writing to, you know? I'm not talking to my mom, or my best friend, or my distant relative. I'm talking to all of you and none of you which is very soothing to me. So thank you for reading, whoever you are.

A Very Awesome World It Is

I'd like to share with you someone quite special to me. No, I've never met this person. No, I don't know their middle name and I couldn't tell you whether they're a Democrat or a Republican (or neither). But he is special to me just the same.

His name is Dallas Clayton. He wrote the book "An Awesome Book" that blew me away. It's a beautifully illustrated children's book he wrote for his son and was kind enough to publish for the rest of us. I bought it around Christmas time last year when I was feeling pretty down and I still pull it out every once in a while and read it. It sums up my life pretty perfectly.

Well good news people! He's just come out with a new book! I'm pretty darn excited. You can read the whole thing online for free or order it from his website. Personally, I don't have a lot of money but I'm willing to spare the few dollars for him. He more than deserves it.

Check out his books and I urge you to think about purchasing one or both of them. You won't regret it. And hey, it truly is an awesome world.

For Dallas' website click here

Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all.  ~Stanley Horowitz

The leaves have gone. A few of them are lingering alone on the trees, but most have departed. It feels very transitional right now. Of course, all of Autumn feels like a huge period of change but right now we are at our peak. The trees are barren and winter wants to move in, swiftly and slyly. But I can tell fall wishes to stay just a bit longer. Between you and me, I think Autumn is losing. It's colder these days. My heat has been on in my car, my jacket is steadily by the door.

Beyond the seasons, life in general seems to be in transition. My life is, at least. Classes changing, friendships forming. All new, all fresh. You can feel it in the crisp air, the change. It's everywhere. I hear of people putting away trampolines and other sumer toys, getting snow blowers out to replace them. My shorts are in my dresser semi-permanently. I like it.

For the most part, I am simply observing. I am watching the way one thing ends as another begins. It's almost magical. Like an age old tradition, passed down for hundreds of years. The leaves changing, then falling. The way the air plays tricks on you, going from cooler to colder to warmer to colder yet again, just to keep you on your toes. Even the way the sun seems tired now, coming late and leaving early. All these things work together along with the transitions we, as people, make without thinking about it. Putting away the light, summer clothes we wear to frolic the summer away, bringing out the tougher, heavier clothing that will keep us warm in tough times. It all works together to create this mass transition that I don't think we take enough notice of. Well, I am. I am glimpsing the way the world works together to keep this cacophony of sounds and smells and experiences and lives moving forward. Always forward.

This is my take on Autumn. I haven't written in a while, but unless I have been significantly inspired, writing comes at a difficulty to me. I hope you're taking note of how the world is changing around you. How you are changing, yourself. It truly is a magical thing, I assure you.

The Cold Hard Truth: oh yeah, I'm going there

So today is my birthday. There's about one hour and nineteen minutes left. It's been...okay. If this was any other day it would've been pretty darn good. Got pizza at work (for my birthday) and Chef Amanda made this awesome pasta salmon dish for us at school. Great day under normal circumstances. For a birthday it's been ehhhhh.

I was not let down on the "Happy Birthday!" front. I have been bombarded (in a great way) by birthday wishes and lots of "Miss you!"'s too. But I spent the day at work and school, only to come home to an empty apartment. No birthday cards came in the mail (and I know they should have). This isn't a pity me post, I swear, it's just an ehhhh post.

I haven't minded living alone at all. And for the most part, I still don't. But there are always those few moments when you wish there would be someone waiting to give you a hug at the end of the day and cook you whatever dinner you want because "It's Your BIRTHDAY!!!". This year I didn't even tell many people. I told a few people, but mostly they just...found out (I'm still not sure how they knew at work).

I talked to a couple of my favorite people on the phone toinght, which is nice, but it doesn't replace seeing them in person (This is when I kick myself and the makers of Logitech that I don't have a working webcam. Skype would be nice right about now...). I just...I don't know. I'm so glad to be where I am right now. I'm so happy that I live where I live and I'm doing what I'm doing. But sometimes I would give a whole heck of a lot to be back to even just last year.

One year ago today I hung out with a friend or two and had pizza at my Dad's house with my family and Cheryl. I just want to do that again.

But, as the title of my blog states: My life is spreading. There are new people in my life and old ones still. I now have ties to New York as well as Florida. They may not be very strong yet, but they're growing. And they will continue to grow, I have a feeling. Only time will tell.

As this post suggests, this day needs to be put to bed and so do I.

Goodnight.

Camping: oh the blogging opportunities

Okay, so this is how this is going to go:

I'm writing this post as an intro post just to warn you of whats coming.
Then, I'm going to write my entire camping trip down (Probably in multiple editions. Because really, who wants to read all of that in one sitting? I know I don't).
Then I'm going to upload all of the pictures that I didn't take but will post anyway (yes, giving credit where credit is due).

So just be warned. I'm not going to link to Facebook for all of these because I already spam Facebook with enough links. I'll put this one up and then most likely you'll just have to check back often to see if it's all here. Hopefully, it'll all be up within the next 24-48 hours.

Alright, let the blogging festivities begin! (Wow, even for me that felt lame...)

**EDIT: I was stupid and waited too long. I've kind of missed my chance to write everything out. I needed to do it when it was fresh in my mind (I.E. while I was camping). Don't worry though, I have a pretty new journal and a pretty new sketchpad so this shouldn't happen again...hopefully**

The Social Network: a mess of awesome and sad

I saw The Social Network last night after much waiting and anticipation. It was fabulous (and not only because my beloved Jesse Eisenberg was in it-I'd watch anything he's in). It was funny, a little dark, and above all sad. I decided to give you my review on here.
**I pretty much go over the whole plot, including the ending so if you are still excited to see it, DON'T read on.**

First off, when I write I like a little music to set the tone. I will be listening to Creep covered by The Scala and Kolacny Brothers. I suggest you listen to it as well-click here. (This was also the song in the teaser trailer for the movie.)

I missed the first ten minutes of the movie so I'm hoping nothing super important happened in that time. Basically, the movie showed a kid (genius kid, I might say) who got in way over his head. Jesse plays Mark Zuckerburg, the founder of Facebook, or as it was known then The Facebook. He started it after claiming he would help start another, quite similar website (I believe it was called Connect U). He led them on, telling them he would get it done for them while creating his own website in that time. The trick was, he only used their idea, not their actual codes.

So he got the site up and running with his best friend (his only friend, Eduardo).

It took off faster than they had ever imagined, leaving them with a big job for two young people (albeit smart people, but still). Mark starting getting advice from Napster founder, Sean Parker. Sean had a tendency to be a little paranoid, a fact Mark seemed to be able to look past.

While Eduardo tried to keep him focused, Mark was swayed by Sean's predictions of grandeur. In the end, Mark goes with Sean, leaves a stunned Eduardo in the dust (after swindling him out of everything) and Sean having to leave the company after a cocaine bust.

This leaves Mark utterly alone. Yes, he had a hugely successful and ever-growing company but he had not one friend. He was sued by Eduardo and the would-be creators of ConnectU, all getting major settlements. Eduardo made off with over a billion dollars.

Mark is worth about $6.9 Billion dollars (and he only owns 24% of Facebook still). He can buy whatever he wants in this world...except friends. Now, the movie may not have been completely accurate, but I tend to believe it was pretty close to the dot.

What I saw was not Mark, the asshole who sold out his friends to make money. I saw Mark, a fairly anti-social kid who wasn't ever interested in making money off of this. He never planned to turn on his best friend, he never planned on it being what it is today. He just had a good idea for a website, and was decent with coding.

It made me wonder if, given the chance, he would do it again. Would he repeat everything that happened, hurt everyone he hurt just to get the net worth he has today? I don't think so. I honestly don't.

Mark has come off as a major douche a few times in the media, but it seems like he was just a regular guy that got thrown into an irregular situation. If everything I said ended up on the internet without me knowing I wouldn't look so great either.

In the end, I thought it was a great movie, brilliantly done. I feel bad for Mark, and I feel really bad for Eduardo (even with the billion dollars, he got the serious short end of the stick). It just goes to show the age old wisdom: money isn't everything.

There you have it. Let me know what you thought of the movie if you've seen it. I might just have to go see it again.

Weather: way more important than I thought

Dear you,

Depending on how well you know me you probably know that I love rainy days. Can't get enough of 'em. Or so I thought. For the past week it's been a constant drizzle and very cold. And by yesterday, my breath would catch in my throat every time I got to glimpse a bit of sun, or even blue sky.

I think with all the things that are in my life now, it is more important than ever to retain a positive outlook. I'm finding that very hard to do when I'm wet and cold. So basically, cold/wet=sad/tired warm (but not too warm)/sunny=happy/motivated. This probably shouldn't be so interesting to me seeing as it's already pretty well known. Why do you always draw a smiley face inside of a sun? Because sun=happy. I guess living in Florida has made me forget or not realize a lot of the obvious. Just like witnessing the season change through a child's new eyes, I am realizing that the sun has more of an effect than I originally thought.

Today, though, things changed. When I left for work this morning there wasn't a menacing cloud in the sky, I could hear birds chirping and it was warmer than it had been days. I was elated. Being in the basement at work was tough, it felt like I was being locked away until the rain returned. What if it became cloudy while I was down there? That just wouldn't do. Thankfully there's a little vent/window thing down there at ground level so I could check that it was, in fact, still sunny. It's so lovely looking through that portal. There are pretty, crisp, green leaves floating around it and heavenly-looking sun rays surrounding it.

My good mood continued after work. I had extra time before school today because math had been cut short so I didn't need to go in until 4:00. I took this opportunity to sit in the sprawling backyard and soak up some Vitamin D and I must say...it was delicious.

Going to school kind of killed my mood for a while. Being in a crampt kitchen with a bunch of other people, some of whom I do not particularly care for just isn't all that fun. And having a teacher who equates mistakes with unpreparedness always, gets me a little cheesed (Oh, how I love that saying). I am so sorry that my first batch of vanilla sauce didn't come out right. Funny, it didn't say in the directions I had to stir constantly but that's okay, it must have been my fault. I should have just known.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyhoo...all in all, a good day. It was kind of sad at night when I left school and it seemed like every other night. Just a little drier. Took some of the magic from the day. But oh well, I certainly enjoyed it and am hoping for more good weather to come now that it's the weekend (for me, at least).

Until next time...

Sincerely, me

Fall+Music=Awesome

Hello my friends. My sister shared with me the idea of making a Fall Music Playlist. A playlist of the songs you like right now and ones that fit with the mood of fall and change. I decided to act on this idea and made one of my own. So, I figured I'd share it on here.

1) Us by Regina Spektor
2) I'll Be Seeing You by Billie Holiday
3) So This Is Love by Cinderella (I can't help it, this is pretty much the best song ever)
4) Beautiful by The Glee Cast
5) The Only Exception by Paramore
6) Hello by The Glee Cast
7) All The Way by Frank Sinatra
8) Poker Face by The Glee Cast
9) Angel by Sarah McLachlan
10) I Dreamed A Dream by The Glee Cast
11) Humble Me by Norah Jones
12) Hello Goodbye by The Glee Cast
13) Somedays by Regina Spektor
14) Wounded by Third Eye Blind
15) Hallelujah by Kate Voegele
16) Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind
17) Creep by Radiohead (Covered by Scala and Kolacny)

Yep, that's it. A lot of Glee but that's what I'm enjoying right now so I thought it appropriate. Enjoy, and make your own! =)

A Dedication

Dear you,

This post is dedicated to Mrs. Lowe. If you know her, consider yourself lucky. If you've been taught by her, you have something mighty special that not many people have under their belt. I was lucky enough to be with her for four orchestra classes and two fiddler classes and I am who I am today because of it.

I always knew she was special, but in just the few months since I've graduated high school it has become more and more apparent. She is certainly one of a kind. Mrs. Lowe had this way of mixing life lessons into the curriculum that still fascinates me. Not many teachers today will tell you about their grandparents hanging upside down at lunch time (true story) or the extreme importance of writing thank you notes (it may lead to the nice family silverware).

There were also the opportunities she provided for us. Because of her and her crazy resources (I do not know how this woman pulled off the stuff that she did) I have seen an opera (for free), done a workshop with Sybarite5 (http://www.sybarite5.org/), seen them perform, performed alongside famous fiddlers Jacqueline and Dudley Laufmen, and made so many amazing friends along the way.

But it wasn't just her funky/hilarious stories, and her crazy connections it was also her kindness. I have rarely seen a woman so in love with her students. You can just tell.

Orchestra, at least at my school, was a huge assortment of sports, art, weirdness, hottness, un-hottness (just made both those words up), and everything in between. It's a really cool thing to teach a discipline that brings all those different aspects of high school together so thoroughly. And she did, and still does.

High school sucks. Well, at least it did for me. My freshman and sophomore years were spent trying to figure out who I was, where I belonged. I wasn't unhappy, but I didn't feel like I really belonged anywhere. Junior year I started Fiddlers (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbl67pk85BQ). That's when I started finding myself. Finding out who I was and who I wanted to be. This all thanks to Mrs. Lowe.

By my senior year I didn't feel really comfortable at school unless I was in the orchestra room (or the orchestra portable...sigh). It felt safe. And it was where I belonged. Mrs. Lowe continued to challenge us with music that I always thought was impossible the day she passed it out. Always. I'm not sure why I didn't catch on but every time we got a new piece I'd look at her like she was crazy. And within a few weeks I could see it start to take shape. Now, some of that may have had to do with the fact that we had some extremely talented players, but it also had a ton to do with the fact that Mrs. Lowe was one of the best orchestra teachers of this generation (and that's a fact).

So this, my little blog readers, is an ode to Mrs. Lowe. I, as well as countless other people I'm sure, would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the spectacular person that you are. Never forget how much you are changing the lives of your students everyday for the better. Thank you.

Sincerely, the violinist

VLOG #1

It finally uploaded (took forever) but here it is, bad quality and all:
http://www.youtube.com/user/kabybabyy?feature=mhum

*Note: When I pasted the link into this window I almost linked to a different video. It was the last video I watched and never fails to make me laugh/cry/laugh even harder. Then thinking about almost posting it here saying it was my vlog made me laugh even harder. Oh man...


(If you're curious about what I almost put on here instead of my vlog click this link: http://www.youtube.com/user/kabybabyy?feature=mhum#p/a/f/1/615PWcBIH0U)

Third Eye Blind: soundtrack to my life (except when they're talking about doing crack)

Dear you,

While the warm weather is back, Fall is still determined as ever. Leaves are changing more by the day and some are starting to fall. They flurry around my car as I drive down winding roads going here to there, wherever that may be. It's like they're playing with me. Jumping and dancing as I drive by them. Unfortunately I can't stop and play back. Maybe soon I will.

It's pretty and I can't imagine myself anywhere else. At least, not right now. I keep saying this, but I really think I am exactly where I should be right now. Everybody back in Florida keeps begging me to move back. I know they're kidding, but I also know it's always lined with a bit of seriousness. And while I miss everybody (A LOT) Florida is not where I'm meant to be. Maybe for a vacation here and there but I can't see myself ever living there again for too long. New York might not be where I end up when things settle down for me but it's definitely where I need to start.

As for living on my own I have to admit...I love it.

"I've never been so alone... and I've never been so alive." -Third Eye Blind

I'm listening to Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind and while it doesn't match up quite perfectly the message is there. I've never been so alone. I've never lived on my own. I've never depended on myself 100%. I've never done a lot of things. I've always been self sufficient but this is a little bit more than that. And I've never felt so alive. I feel independent. I feel strong. I feel happy. And I feel grown up. Sometimes I feel like I'm still a little kid wearing my mommy's high heels and lipstick but as I look in the mirror today I see a quantifiable adult. I may still eat with my family a lot, and I may still call one of my aunts or uncles when I need directions or have a question about my car but I am me. I am on my own. And I can do this. That's an empowering thing to say.

I didn't choose in the beginning to live on my own. It wasn't part of my plan. But neither was any of this, really. The best things that have happened to me since I left Florida were the things that I hadn't planned or expected. And I want to keep living in this fashion for as long as humanly possible.

I hope you're feeling the warm embrace of fall wherever you may be.

Sincerely, me

Accidentally Deleting Everything You Wrote: freaking annoying

Ok take #2 for this post (I was just about finished and accidentally deleted the whole freaking thing).


Alright so I'm thinking about doing a vlog to coincide with this blog. Yes, I'm a dork. This would be for my friends and family who say they miss me. I figure, in lieu of skype, this is a great way for people to remember how annoying I am in person. It would also be for all my awesome friends that I don't get to talk to nearly enough. I feel bad for not calling as much as I should, but with everything going on it's hard to remember to call my Mom and Dad regularly enough, let alone everybody else!


If this sounds like a cool idea let me know and I'll start doing it. (Disclaimer: Regardless of what everybody says I'll decide whether I do it or not solely on how lazy I'm feeling that day-but it's always nice to have input)


Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd that is all. Good day.

Dear you,

I couldn't think of a good title today so oh well. I'm at kind of a crossroads here. In my baking classes I am realizing more and more that while it's fun it isn't really what I want to do. I've always wanted to decorate cakes. And while people may think that it's all the same, it's really not. Cake decorating is it's own little pocket of baking and pastry as a whole. I think baking is alright, but I don't want to do it as a profession. I want to decorate cakes. Which, in all reality, I don't need to go to college for.

For about a day, I considered dropping out of the baking program I'm in. I haven't paid yet, so now would be the time. I decided against it. I just can't leave it only partially done. It would bother me forever. That being said, once this school year is over I have no idea what to do.

My mom made me look at things from a more mature standpoint. How much money does a cake decorator (that strictly does cakes, nothing else) make? Not much. Barely enough to make it by. So then I kind of resolved I could always do something else and do cakes out of my house for extra money. That idea doesn't bother me in the slightest. It's the actual profession I'd need to pick that's the problem.

I've always loved writing, so that's an option. But the problem with that is I really would only want to do novels. And making your career as a novel writer is just about the stupidest thing you could do. What happens when writer's block hits (and it often does)? You don't make money. And there's also the huge fact that people may just not like what you write. Bad sales=no money. I could go into journalism, but I'm just not as passionate about that. But, I'm leaving it as a possibility.

What I really want to do is Graphic Design. I love piddling around with design-y things on my laptop and I'd love to be better. I think it's fun, and I could be pretty good at it. (I made the Life: Spreading logo. I mean, it's not professional quality, or even close, but it's a start.) Of course, there's a problem with that major too. A few, actually. First, you need to have a portfolio to get into design programs. Since I'm more of an "in the closet" artist I don't have a portfolio. Then there's the fact that it's a booming career choice which means for me to get a job after college doing graphic design I'd need to be pretty darn good. Just like with writing, you can't really know how good you're going to be when you go into the program. But it's a pretty important detail coming out.

After that, I really don't know. I don't have what it takes to enter a lot of different art majors. Either, I'm not talented enough, I didn't do enough in high school, what have you. I'm kind of stuck. I know I would never want to major in most business type degrees. And degrees in things like Philosophy do nothing for you in the real world. Who has a career in philosophy? No one, that's who.

For right now, I'll continue my baking classes and hope that inspiration comes to me. At my mother's wise request, if I don't have a surefire major picked out I won't enroll in college until I do.

Hoping your mind is better made up than mine.

Sincerely, me

P.S. Don't think I'm having an identity crisis or meltdown or anything. I'm fine, and this is what I want to do. I'm still of the mindset that I'm in a great position where I am. And I have my whole life ahead of me to live the life I'm laying the foundation for now. I'm not too worried about picking a major, I think something will come to me. That being said, feel free to throw ideas in!

Fall: what the hell is this?

Dear you,

I haven't written much lately. Pretty much since school started. I'm busy these days. Maybe a little more busy than I'd like to be. I'm working six or seven days a week. Yeah...days off are way overrated. But I did not come one here to complain (at least not today).

I've come here to tell you that things are okay. While I don't like to work so much I have days like today that tell me things aren't so bad, really. I got to work today very tired (even though it was 11:00 AM) and a little grumpy seeing as I haven't had a day off since Monday and won't have one until mid next week...and even that's iffy. But things perked up.

We had a banquet today and guess who was put in charge of it. If you guessed me-good job! I was quite nervous because Mike's (my manager...kind of) exact words were, "It's Kayla's party". Ummm...what?

Now, it wasn't like I had to do attend to every last detail and really it wasn't that much, but it was the fact that they trusted me enough to let me be on my own (more or less). I had the help of a brand new employee who, while being new and seemingly unexperienced in the kitchen, was quite helpful in the end. I made all the food and then plated all of it. We ran short on time, but I finished only two minutes behind schedule so I consider it a success.

This made me feel mighty good. I always tend to shy away from leadership positions. I think it's the fear of failure. I've had oppurtuities to take charge and I have let them pass. It's when I'm forced into the leading role that I realize that I'm not too shabby. In simple words: "I get shit DONE". But, all in all, it felt good. I like that I know where pretty much everything is at the pub. I like that pretty much everyone is getting used to me enough to joke around with me. And I really like it that I can feel confident in what I do.

In other news, fall is here. I've never experienced it before. Of course, I've seen pictures; I've heard about it. But it's nothing compared to seeing it happen first hand. It's so interesting to see leaves change color seemingly before your very eyes. I drive by the same trees everyday and I get to see them, one by one, leave their summer greens behind. It's beautiful. It's the vibrant red ones that really take my breathe away. And I mean, randomly driving by, having some conversation with myself or singing a song, and everything in my head stops as I watch the red leaves whistling through the air on an old sycamore.

I am thankful to be here to see this amazing feat of nature. This is the kind of experience I feel that I've missed out on in Florida. I don't regret growing up there at all, but I feel my place is elsewhere now.

I'm hoping your fall is as devastatingly beautiful as mine is.

Sincerely, me

Winnie The Pooh: way cooler than you

Dear you,

My Mom got be a book titled "Positively Pooh; Timeless Wisdom from Pooh". It's just about one of the greatest things I've had the pleasure of holding in my hands.

I was reading through it about a week ago and found an excerpt that I've been wanting to share with you.

"Things are often better than they seem.
Piglet lay there, wondering what had happened [after popping his balloon]. At first he thought the whole world had blown up; then he thought perhaps only the Forest part of it had; and then he thought that perhaps only he had, and he was now alone  in the moon or somewhere, and he would never see Christopher Robin or Pooh or Eeyore again. And then he thought, "Well, even if I'm in the moon, I needn't be face downwards all the time," so he got cautiously up and looked about him. He was still in the Forest!
"Well, that's funny," he thought. "I wander what that bang was. I couldn't make such a noise just falling down. And where's my balloon? And what's that small piece of damp rag doing?"

I had a bumpy night at work tonight and in the end, sitting in bed at home, I realize that as bad as it seemed- I'm okay. There are far worse things that can come to me than a bad night. Everybody has them and if that's the worst I have to deal with this month, I'll consider myself a mighty lucky son of a gun.

I'm going to bed now, in a far better mood than I had four hours ago. I hope you're night brings you peace and happiness.

Goodnight, all.

Sincerely, me

Crap: there's always some Dawn for that

Dear you,

Have you ever cleaned out your fridge and seen some tupperware that is so devastatingly disgusting that you are convinced it is in no way worth it to save it. "Just, dear God, throw it out." Yeah, we've all been there. But what if it's not as bad as it looks. What if the grime isn't too stuck on it. Maybe there's not as much mold as you thought.

Maybe things can be cleaned. Maybe you can save your new Glad container. Almost anything can be cleaned, fixed, or reconfigured. I haven't come across a mess that has had no solution. Since beginning this journey of a life time a couple of months ago I have cried, dreaded the day ahead, and thought there was no way to go on. But I always have gone on.

Things changed. Plans went South (some literally =)). I've had to think about a lot of things. And through it all I have cleaned my messes. I wiped my tears, I worked through the strife I felt. And now it doesn't feel that bad. I have routines and plans and possibilities (Possibilities being the most exciting).

My messes were nasty and scary and gross. But they have never been too bad to clean. And maybe this could hold true for the rest of my journey. It's only beginning, of course. I'm hoping I can hold on to the fact in my heart that even when the messes get beastly I will be able to wipe them clean eventually. I will set straight what went cockeyed. I will settle whats been uprooted. I will calm the uproar. And I will wipe away the mess. At the end of the day I will know that I've done everything that I can and it is no longer in my hands. What will be, will be.

So tonight, I will sleep well. I have work and school tomorrow, a routine that is steadily working itself into me. Routines...I like routines.

Goodnight, all. I hope you can find peace of mind like I have, even if it's just for an hour or two. ;)

Sincerely, me

For You

I took a walk today and snapped a few shots at the request of a friend. I'll share them with you. While looking at the below pictures I strongly urge you to listen to Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You Dance" (Look it up on YouTube.). It came up on my iPod while I was walking and it really matched my tone. And just my life in general right now. I may not be a huge country fan anymore, but this song will always mean a lot to me.

Without further ado:

The Address

Small Towns...

My Nana and Papa raised six kids in that house and it wasn't nearly as big. It's right down the street from where I'm living.

Just one of the about three vineyards along the road

Kids sit in these during the winter to wait for their bus.

The last few pictures are from the cemetery at the bottom of the hill. It was quite peaceful there. I plan to return during fall.

This is for my Nana and Papa. My Papa passed before I was born, but my Nana's still just as tenacious as ever.

I really wish I could've gotten to know you Papa.

I couldn't believe I found my Nana and Papa's. I was about to leave and I just stumbled upon it. I tried to find my Grandma. I know she is there but I couldn't find her and I don't want help. I could easily ask many people to direct me to her but I'll find her myself in time. 

So this is it. I wish I could have truly captured the beauty of this place. Because honestly, these pictures look like radioactive waste (tried to think of something better, but that's the ugliest nature thing I could think of...sorry) compared to the real thing. There are just some things you have to see with your own eyes...or capture with a really expensive camera. Either way, my three year old camera is far from professional so for now these will have to do.

The Master Plan: huh?

Dear you,

Things have changed yet again. I know... I decided (with a little push from my Dad) to go to the last registration day for ECC. I was not full of hope, but rather womanly hormones that made me a danger to the public.

What the head of the Culinary Department must have seen on my face, I can't imagine. But it was enough for him to pull a few proverbial strings and get me in. That's correct, you heard me right. He got me registered for classes. This could not have been an easy task since apparently the program has been filled up since April. That would have been nice to know back in, you know, APRIL. But oh well. No use crying over it now.

So I was given a week to get everything prepared for classes (things that take weeks usually). It's not that I can't get it done, just that at a normal human pace it would take much longer. So...with Linda (my personal savior right now) and my big ECC envelope I've been carrying around for months I made my way back today and got my books, went to the Financial Aid office, got my ID and parking pass and other fun things of the sort-all before 10:30 AM!

I start on Monday and I am excited. How could I not be? This is what I've wanted all along. True, I wish all this had been squared away a while ago. Then I'd be really excited. But, again I say, oh well. In the end, I'm going to school like I wanted, I have a job like I needed, and I'm in New York which is something I've wished for for a long time. How could I not be satisfied-getting everything I wanted?

For now, I'm taking deep breaths and trying to focus on things like what I'm going to wear on the first day and if I should bring my backpack or a purse (I'm opting for my backpack). It's easier to think about those trivial decisions than to think that in five mere days I'll begin the training for the career that I will have for the rest of my life.

That's a long time. Good thing I really like what I'm going to be doing.

In the end I stick by what I have said many times recently. Everything happens for a reason. Most times, hindsight is 20/20. Usually I can look back and say, "Oh...that's why that happened. Because if I got that job I never would have found this job." This situation is a little tougher. As of now, I can't see why it was such a struggle to get registered. I just don't know what that helped. But it must have served a purpose. And hopefully someday I will see it and say, "Okay, now I understand."

Wishing you a happy journey in whatever you do.

Sincerely, me

Art: in the most unlikely places

Dear you,

Today, as I was eating dinner on the back porch overlooking a well-tended lawn and surrounding forest I noticed something I hadn't before. An art form. It was sometimes graceful, sometimes chaotic. What was it?

Corn. On the cob, specifically. And not just the corn, it was the eating of the corn. I never realized before how specific a routine can be. My aunt ate her corn in sweeping rows, leaving perfect right angles in her path. My uncle, however, bit furiously at the corn. Munching, chewing, ravaging it (it wasn't gross, like I'm making it sound; promise), leaving a muddled cob left wondering what had just happened.

Me, you ask? Surely I  must have some fiercely descriptive way to describe how I eat my corn. Well, the truth is...I don't really. If I had to try though I would say I'm more of just a messy, kind-of-in-rows, leaving-half-the-corn-behind kind of girl (and the other half is in my teeth).

I can't honestly explain why I thought this post up. It really just started coming to me. One of those weird "writer moment"'s I suppose.

Oh and I thought of the perfect way to avoid saying you assume (something you should never do). Just say you presume. Yes, the same meaning, but with no clever English tricks to go along with it.

Alright, that is all for now.

Goodnight, all.

Sincerely, me

I Am Woman: hear me roar

Dear you,

I must say, this whole ordeal has made me feel so strong. Even leaning on my family like I am I can't help but feel, for lack of a better term, awesome. No, I'm not happy all the time. But inside I just feel like I can do anything. If I've made it this far I can't fail.

With this in mind I'm thinking about starting a little project. I'm toying around with the idea of going vegetarian for one month. Now, depending on how well you know me you might know just how much I enjoy meat. Roast beef sandwiches, steak, chicken...Imagine Homer Simpson groveling with drool seeping from his mouth because that's how I feel right now.

But in the last few weeks it has become apparent that I have, in fact, gained a weeeeee bit of weight. Don't freak out everybody! I'm not calling myself obese and contemplating anorexia. I enjoy food far too much. I am, however, thinking that if I could try the vegetarian thing out for a month I could 1) lose a little weight/get into the habit of eating veggies regularly and 2) prove to myself that I can do it.

I'm thinking about starting September 1st which should give me enough time to eat all the meat I have in the house and maybe stop at Subway a few more times and get their roast beef on honey oat (Oh how I'll miss you...). And maybe, just maybe, I'll actually save some money on groceries if I don't have to buy meat.

Just a thought rolling around in my brain and decided to share it with you.

Well, for now I think I'll head to bed and hopefully avoid any killer spiders. Eek.

Good night, all.

Sincerely, me

Becoming An Adult: I can.

Dear you,

More has changed. I've already informed you of my lack of college this year. I decided to not even try with ECC anymore. Although I doubt I could have gone this semester even if I wanted to. So, for now, I'll work.

I got a job at a pub here in town. I'll be the hostess every Friday and Saturday and then do prep Monday through Wednesday. It seems pretty fun so far. Oh, and I got the job at Wet Seal. I beat out everyone I was up against and was given the position. Unfortunately, I was unable to take it because of the pub job. The hours conflicted. But I can take with me the immense satisfaction that I was given the job and no one else.

So, that being said, I'm good. I have one job and prospects for others. I even have other prospects for schools.

On a slightly sadder note, my mom has gone back to Florida. She was given a job and she took it. I'm proud of her. The things that she has done in the last month will undoubtedly make her a stronger woman, even if she can't see it now.

Yeah...so this means I'm now living alone. I have always told myself I did not want to live alone. I'm still not completely sure how I feel about it. I think I'll never be sure while I'm here because I'm not really alone. Yes, I am the only one living in the apartment. But, my great aunt and uncle are right upstairs in their house. I've already been invited to a bbq with my Uncle Mike today. I have dinner plans for a few nights this week with him and his mother in law (who loves to cook). I just can't truly feel alone while I have so many people ready to make me feel in the middle of everything.

Yesterday, when she left I of course sat around and sobbed to my hearts content. After about ten minutes of this I got a tissue, wiped my eyes and was done with it. Not that I'm done missing my mom (that will likely never happen, as with all my family in Florida) but I got over the self pity. I'm a big girl and this is my time.

I started organizing. If you give me a space and some junk I'll organize it. Guaranteed. I set up my desk in the front room. I set up the counter next to the desk. I washed the dishes. I felt better. I think I might actually like having my own space.

Hell, maybe this is actually a good thing. Baby steps. Well, I guess moving 1300 miles isn't exactly a baby step. But in the sense that I'm living "alone" before I really live alone. This will let me get used to it so someday when I get an apartment of my own I won't be so blindsided.

As I've said before, I believe everything happens for a reason. I can't always tell the reasoning behind certain turns of events but I know there has to be one. The last month has cemented that into me. I'm on the path I should be, as my mom is on hers.

Oh and one more guru nonsensical comment (I've gotten very philosophical lately): nothing is as permanent as it seems. I can move back any time I want. My mom can move here any time she wants. Heck, tomorrow I could board a flight to Los Angeles (not that I'd ever want to live there). Who the hell cares? Nothing is permanent and this is my time to do whatever I want!

I will be okay. And I'll say that a thousand more times if I have to.

Sincerely, me

Sorry it's so small. It's not on YouTube. Hmmm weird...

http://www.youtube.com/searchstories?utm_source=sem&utm_medium=ha&utm_campaign=en

I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!

This post does not have a specific purpose. Well, now actually it does. This post is to show you how everything happens in cycles. If it happened once, it will happen again. This video is an audio excerpt from a movie made in the 70's. It's over thirty years old. Yet, the message is still the same. A lot has changed since then, but eventually it all comes full circle.

Other than that I just find it extremely inspirational and gets me all riled up to right a wrong or join a cause or some other form of good. Enjoy. And remember, don't ever be passive about something you think is wrong. Speak your mind and let your voice be heard.

 http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2693546

.

Control: didn't we already talk about this?

Dear you,

Plans have changed again. As I've already conceded, I know that I am not really the one calling the shots. And if you'll recall the post I pulled from another blog, it's only my reaction that I have some say in. What am I talking about, you ask?

I went to register for classes today. Since I'm a new student I had to do this and receive advisement at the college instead of online. I did as I was told and waited outside the room I was assigned to for Culinary Arts. Twenty minutes went by and no one had come to unlock the door. The other waiting people and I started to get a little confused so my mom went downstairs to figure things out.

She came back about five minutes later to tell me that all the culinary classes were full and no one would be coming for registration. Apparently they didn't think it was worth the effort to let anybody know, even though we could have been there all day waiting to talk to somebody.

I try to stay mature in my writing on here but I just have to say, "WTF ECC???" That is so unprofessional. But that's what the whole school is based on, isn't it? Disorganization and nonprofessionalism.

Instead of throwing a hissy fit at the nearest ECC employee I decided to go back to what I said before. I really do believe everything happens for a specific reason. It does. So if I don't go to school this semester or year, then so be it. I'll work, save up money and try it again next year.

And then I had an even better thought. While I was letting the fact sink in that ECC is run by untrained monkeys, I realized that I don't need to go there at all. A lot of pastry chefs get there start by dish washing or something of the like at bakeries and work their way up. I already have a solid base of knowledge in the area and I'm sure I would improve quickly once I was in the environment with more talented pastry chefs around.

I could work my butt off this year, establish New York State residency, and then go to SUNY Delhi next year just like I planned on. It wouldn't take any extra time, I would save a good chunk of money, and best of all I'd save myself from all the future panic attacks and headaches ECC is sure to deliver.

There's still a chance that I would be able to register this year, but it's slim. Which leads to the next question needing to be answered. Should I bother going to the orientation tomorrow? It's from like 8:30 AM in the freaking morning (which means I'd have to leave by 8:00) and goes until 1:00 PM (1:00!) and I'll need it if, in some change of events, I did get registered. But I am really starting to think I'd rather just not do it at all.

Forget you ECC!

Any comments would be nice. I'd love some advice right now and to know what people think of my plans. I think I'm doing the right thing. Which, being that it's my future, not yours, I think my opinion is really the only one that counts. But I'd still like some other input.

Phew! What a day can change...

Until next time.

Sincerely, me

P.S. I have just become obsessed with this song. Listen and be amazed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axrqVfuGHh0&feature=player_embedded

Wisdom: there's always more to learn

Dear me (yes me),

This is a letter from you, to you (and I suppose whoever else wants to read it). This is to tell you to "go with the flow" so to speak. Stop worrying about things that are not in your control. And learn to recognize what is and is not in your control.

I can't say I really know what I believe in, religion wise. But who does at this age? This is the time to learn who I am, what I believe in and all that other coming-of-age crap. This. Is. The. Time.

Don't take everything so seriously. I may not know if I worship an idle or not but I have learned over the years (the more recent ones, to be exact) that everything happens for a reason. It just has to. And instead of trying to explain that to yourself why don't you just believe it and move on? There's no way that there isn't some kind of organic force behind the fact that you moved three feet to the left and a minute later a car hit the spot you were just in. I just know it.

So, knowing that, take a deep breath and let everything fall into place the way it should instead of trying to force things to go where you think they should go. Chances are, the way you force it is probably going to be wrong.

Believe in that fact and in yourself and you should be just fine. Everything will work out eventually. The trick is that it may not be in the way you expected it to.

Be happy. Love often. Stay true to yourself.

Sincerely, me

P.S. I just found this quote that I liked. It didn't have an author or source so if you know of one, let me know.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire."

Marching Bands: much cooler than I previously thought

Dear you,

Today I went to something very cool. I went to Drums Along The Waterfront. Its this national competition held in New York showcasing the country's best performing marching bands. In two words: visually delicious.

I was swept away in the dancers' flowing skirts, the flags waving gently but fervently, the instruments being swung around and played beautifully. The music was so much more than I expected. Being a musician, I find myself somewhat critical when I hear live music. Not in a malicious way but in a "I can hear every out of tune note" kind of way. This far exceeded my expectations. All the competitors were impeccable in intonation.

But what really blew me away was the choreography. There were whole story plots! I saw torrid lovers, calvary men, and sultans. I even got to see Little Miss Dorothy, complete with ruby slippers. =)

I wish I could describe every dance to you in excruciating detail. Due to my lack of memory, I cannot. I think I need to start carrying a notepad, because there is so much I want to share with you. Instead, I'll share my feelings.

First I felt nostalgic. Even though I only graduated a couple months ago from high school it feels like it's been longer. My senior year I wasn't much a part of the school. I was taking classes at the community college, I had a full work load and I just wasn't on campus all that much. But when I heard those marching bands tooting their horns I remembered my freshman days of Friday night games at Hawkins Stadium (my home field). It brought back the school spirit, seeing the Sugar Canes (MHS Dance Team) dance, the red, white, and blue, chanting "WE ARE...MANATEE!". It felt nice.

Then I felt the awe settle in. I watched the beauty and fluidity of it all. They were so graceful... That's when the pang of jealousy came in. How much I long to be able to do what they do. I love the violin with a passion, but sometimes I wish I could dance instead.

In the end I felt full. Not with grossly overpriced stadium food, but with wellness. That's not the right word. I don't know exactly what the right word is. I guess you just have to feel it for yourself, you know? Can't wait for next year!

Oh and just thought I'd mention this also...I got accepted for a temporary job at a bookstore. I've got an interview tomorrow at American Eagle and one on Tuesday for Wet Seal. And on top of that I am getting an interview at a restaurant that I'm excited about. Things are looking up!

That's all for now.

Sincerely, me

Image Editing: stupid

Dear you,

I am feeling very insignificant right now. No, I didn't just get made fun of or anything but I found this website called Aviary (http://aviary.com/). It's this photo editing website free to users that is comparable to Photoshop in it's features. It seemed so cool I just had to join in on the fun. Well... half an hour later I was knee deep in tutorials and a lot of blah blah blah that I didn't understand.

I kept going, "Oh yeah. Okay, I can do that." Umm no I can't. The tools weren't working (although I'm willing to admit there might have been some user error). I got very frustrated and decided that maybe midnight wasn't the best time to be trying this out. It just seemed so awesome...

Technology is a funny thing. One moment you start to think you may be a little tech savvy. You got your DVR set up, you made a cool blog, maybe you even figured out what a torrent was. But then you go and try to do something that should be no problem for your level of high expertise and you realize just how computer illiterate you really are.

Sigh... I guess my amazing photo editing skills will have to wait to be learned another day.

I hope you're not feeling as dumb as I am right now. ;)

Sincerely, me

Guilty Pleasures: everybody has them

Okay, I felt the need to write this post because I have become a little, tiny bit obsessed with a silly anime show called Sailor Moon. The illustrations are awful, the plots are laughable, and the show in general is quite ridiculous. But it's my guilty pleasure.

The Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/) is known for their comical definitions of commonly used words (i.e. Kay: (proper noun) - name which means: a. the hottest girl on the planet b. fun-loving c. smart and witty d. someone you should keep for the rest of your life e. your perfect girl) Just this once, though, I think they got it right.

Guilty Pleasure: Something that you shouldn't like, but like anyway.

So, I've decided to compile a list of my top ten guilty pleasures. And here they are:

1. Twilight. Yes, I know. Don't even bother saying it, I'm aware. But I love it. I want to be Bella. I want to marry Edward. I want Alice to be my best friend. The whole shebang. 

2. Sailor Moon. As previously mentioned, I love it. I don't know why, exactly, but something about it draws me in. I think it's the fact that I can still remember bits of it from when I was younger. It's just fun.

3. My Laptop. This is probably one of the biggest ones. If you know me well enough you probably know that I'm not easily separated from it.

4. Sleeping In. Eek. I don't like this one very much. I love the productive feeling you get when you wake up early. Even when I go to bed at ten I still have no problem sleeping until 1:30 in the afternoon. I feel bad about it but I just can't rip myself out of bed sometimes. Oh well, I suppose that's what alarm clocks are for.

5. Subway. Oh lord... It would take a whole post of it's own to fully explain it. But I LOVE subway food. I spend way too much money there.

6. Shopping. Hmmm I'm not sure how guilty I feel about this one. I do feel bad when I spend the money on clothes but on the other hand I can honestly say I have paid full price for very few things in my wardrobe. I'm queen of the sales.

7. Eating Junk Food. Yeah I'm sure almost everybody would admit to this one. But even still, I've only met one person who can match my piggy-ness and that's my sister. Let me just tell you, I can eat. And you wonder why I'm becoming a Pastry Chef...

8. Reading When I Shouldn't Be Reading. Who knew reading could be a guilty pleasure? Believe me, it can. When your homework isn't done, your room is dirty, you need to shower before work, and you have errands to run reading is most definitely a guilty pleasure. Because of course, even with all those things I still read through novels at a ridiculous rate. 

9. Singing Disney Movie Songs...Loud. This one speaks for itself. Why, just yesterday I broke out into "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast while making lunch. Never too old...

10. Facebook. At first I was going to lump this in with the laptop one, but it just needs it's own explanation. With it's ever changing and ever more flimsy security measures I can't stand it a lot of the time. But it's the only way to stay in touch with countless family members and friends. I always feel guilty when I'm talking to someone and they find out how often I'm on Facebook. I hate getting the comment on how they thought I wouldn't be into that kind of thing. It's a guilty pleasure. They don't call it that for nothing.

So there you have it, folks. It took me a long time to make this list. But I'm interested to hear everyone else's. Comment your one biggest guilty pleasure. You know you want to get that off your chest!

Nothing makes you feel like a city slicker like:

• Being shocked when your bank doesn't have online banking
• When you can't believe you have to drive fifteen minutes for the nearest Walgreens
• Not being able to identify the vegetable your uncle holds up to show you
• Being thoroughly amazed by the scenery...every time you see it
• When the incontinence section is bigger than the make up section in the local drug store
• Realizing you're the only one in town that doesn't know everybody
• Having fresh from the garden veggies everyday is totally unheard of

These are just a few things I thought of. This post was sparked by my trip to the bank today. I still don't know if I'm going to be able to live without online banking. Eek!

This post is going to be continued as I think of more things... I'm sure I'll think of plenty!

EDIT**

• Feeling like you're on a roller coaster every time you drive over a hill.
• Not knowing what happened at a tractor pull
• Not understanding why the grocery store doesn't carry your specific eye liner

Family: the friends you don't get to pick

Dear you,

Good news! I got a job! (this isn't deja vu I promise) Remember the previously mentioned bookstore cafe? You know, the one that was like my dream part time job that I didn't get even after Ms. Manager decided to say she was hiring me? Yeah, that one. Well...there's a new twist in the story.

Two days after Chrissy broke the news to me that I wasn't getting the job Ms. Manager finally decided to text message me. She told me that she was sorry to tell me that she didn't have any hours that work with my availability. But, she was going to pass on my application to the bookstore manager. Ms. Bookstore Manager called me about an hour later to set up an interview.

I went to the interview today and was given a chance. I'm still a little puzzled as she did not come out and say that I was hired, but she did give me a date to come in and train. I love when people just assume you'll get what they mean. I was taught never to assume. But, I suppose in this case I'm going to have to.

The downside: it's a temporary job. They hire a bunch of people for what they call the "book rush". That's the beginning of the semester when everybody is buying their books. After that, they let almost everyone go. But, hey they might just love me enough to keep me. Who knows?

This gives me a little time to find another job. Even the manager made it clear that she understands I will still be looking for a job. I would love to stay with the bookstore and that's always possible, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I don't have enough money to hold my breath.

In other Kayla related news: I'm going to give a big THANK YOU to my cousins. A few of them have been inviting me to do things with them and it's good to get out. I can't wait to make some new friends and this is the perfect way. They don't have to take me anywhere but I'm so glad they do. So, on the off chance you guys are reading this: thank you.

That's all for now. Hey, it's the Corn Festival man! I've got corn to eat and rides to ride. (except I'm broke so I'll be doing neither, but walking around is fun too...)

Sincerely, me