An Itch You Just can't Scratch

This year is quickly coming to a close. It's a surreal feeling. This has been the most pivotal year of my life, thus far. I don't know what to think of two thousand and ten's imminent departure. A good thing? I'm not quite sure.

I almost feel like I have an itch that I just can't scratch. Something that I haven't managed to accomplish this year. As much as I'd like to say that I'm independent, I'm simply not. I'm not. Yes, I live on my own...underneath my aunt and uncle. Yes, I have my own apartment...that I don't pay for. I can't even pay my own car insurance for Christ's sake. What am I? Twelve?

I feel like at this year's closing I won't be able to honestly say much has changed. Scratch that. A lot has changed. But I have somehow become even more financially dependent on my parents and family. It's annoying. I tell myself I'm an adult when I am clearly not. I am looking around my apartment right now. It's messy like 15 year old girls bedroom. I have no kitchen utensils, save for a single rubber spatula that I got at Disney a few years ago. The only reason I even have Tupperware to use is because my mom was nice enough to leave some for me.

My refrigerator consists of bagels, cream cheese, expired milk, and apple sauce. Add that to a box of mac and cheese and a good deal of Ramen and you have my entire stock of food. It's not even that I haven't gone grocery shopping in a while, this is just all I eat. I own nothing. I have no money to my name. It's a very demoralizing feeling.

I am leaving 2010 with no money, no assets except my 1997 Buick, and a strong sense that there's something better to be spending my money on than the book I really want.

I am lucky enough to be blessed with a family that has and probably will continue to support me.

With that, I am announcing my New Year's resolution to you. Here. Right now.

I want to finish 2011 with a feeling of accomplishment.

Happy New Years.

Situations Passed: a bad thing?

Do you ever revel in the moments that changed your life? Those instances where everything changes, hopefully for the better? What about the moments that you've let pass by? The times that had the potential to be incredible but for whatever reason weren't, and ended up being a faint memory somewhere in the recesses of your mind?

I was thinking about how if you asked a mother what would happen if they never would have had one of their children. They, I imagine, would look at you with a great sadness. Imagining it as if they would miss them. In reality, they would never know that that child had ever had the potential to exist.

That brought me to the thought: what if, in our lifetime, we pass by the chance to have many children. We aren't usually sad about the children we could've had. (No, I'm not talking about abortion or anything like that)

And that is what led me to the thought about the life-changing experiences. Look at that, we came full circle. It was just some thoughts I had. Some questions that arose in my mind. Think about it.

Courage: it's a tricky thing

I just tried to post something on here. It's something I've tried to post before and couldn't. It's something personal I wrote a few months ago and while I want to share it with you, I can't. You see, it's not a happy narrative. It's not a poem. It's not anything pertaining to the coming holidays. Nope, it's raw. And sad. And full of not good stuff. I want to share it with you because I think it's interesting but at the same time I don't want to be looked at different or worried about.

Anyhoo, I just felt dissatisfied that I couldn't post it so I figured I'd post this instead; a rambling, not-making-sense post for your enjoyment.

Goodnight, all.

North South East West?

The other day I made the decision to apply to University of Buffalo for a degree in English with a focus in Creative Writing. I was pretty jazzed, because I had finally made up my mind about what I wanted to do. With this degree I can go into many fields of writing which, deep down, is what I wanted all along. I was completely content knowing that I had made the decision and fully intended to follow it through.

Then...Cheryl called. We chitted, we chatted. Not about anything particularly important. But she happened to mention the idea of going to school in Florida. Now my mother has mentioned this before. I'll be honest, I usually just wrote it off without thinking about it much (sorry, Mom). When Cheryl said it, stating the fact that as long as I went to school in Fl she could go with me, it sounded a whole-heck-of-a lot more interesting. I actually considered it.

The first few universities we looked at were ruled out for various reasons. Then we landed on UCF. The University of Central Florida. My sister's alma mater. I'd always loved the school (And not just because I like to copy my sister. Which, I'll admit, I have been known to do on occasion). I looked further and realized that it not only had an English degree, I could actually get my bachelor's in Creative Writing (Oh you know...that's only my DREAM).

Once I saw that, I was unable to stop myself from picturing it. Me. Cheryl. UCF. Heaven. I could honestly see it being the best four years of my life. Easily. It was then that I became conscious of the fact that I now had an extremely hard decision to make. I could go back to Florida and go to college with my best friend at a great university only three hours away from home. OR I could go to the University of Buffalo (I'm pretty sure it's a good university, but I'll admit I don't know much about it). I could meet what are sure to be great people. I could continue to lay down the roots I've already started here.

So now I'm torn. I've made enough friends here and become so close to my family here that either way I'm going to miss a lot of people. As I've probably said too many times already, nothing is as permanent as it seems. While I'm considering going to college in Florida I still do not plan to live there after I'm graduated. I don't even necessarily plan on living in Eden. The point is, I don't know where the heck I'm going. I don't have any kind of five year plan in place. I don't know where I see myself in ten years.

I'm continually learning that to make this crazy thing called "life" work you have to be flexible. You have to go with the flow, no matter where that takes you. I'm kind of thinking the flow is heading to Orlando, Florida. I just don't know. Thing is...because I've waited so long to think about where the flow may or may not be going I'm nearing deadlines for a good amount of schools. So I don't have that long to apply.

The fact that I'm writing this at 1:00 in the morning is probably not good. I'm really tired and I'm worried this is going to sound slightly incoherent and there may be some grammar mistakes, just a warning. I just wanted to get this down because I've witnessed too many times how waiting to write a blog post until a more convenient time usually ends up with me never writing it. With that, I'll bid you all adieu!

My Dreams: pretty darn epic

So lately my dreams have consisted of me in some life or death rebellion type of thing. Not a big, huge fight to the death but rather I'm in the minority of whatever oppression is going on. I'm always on the travel in secret. Sometimes with other people, other times alone. If you go to my tumblr (here) and watch the short movie "Outliers" (It's only nine minutes and believe me, you won't notice the time) that will give you a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about. I would say maybe the video was the cause, except this has been happening for at least a week I'd say.

I don't know, I'm not usually huge on interpreting my dreams because they're so vivid and weird I don't even want people to know the odd things that go through my slumbering mind. But this is interesting to me. I rarely have recurring themes in my dreams. I looked up "rebellion" on a dream interpretation website. It told me this:

Rebel 
To dream that you are a rebel, indicates that you need to stand up for yourself and be your own person, even though it may go against the masses. It is time to take action.


Now, there are always things going on in my noggin that make me want to rebel against the masses, but none that are really standing out right now. I highly doubt my rant against killing mice (If confused, see post below) could really be giving me recurring dreams about rebellion. Yeah, I know I'm a passionate person, but I don't think I'm that passionate about the inhumane killing of mice.

If you have any input I'd be eager to hear it.

Tumblr: I'm moving back in

I'll still be posting my blogs on here, but there are a lot of moments in the day where I want to post cool websites I find, and awesome short movies I stumble across and the like. I'd like to keep this blog for writing my normal posts and I don't like bombarding my Facebook with links. So I figure I'll use Tumblr for that and that way you can look if you want to or just ignore me like people usually do. Anyhoo... yep that's about it for now. Tootles!

P.S. Is everyone ready for Christmas? I'm not. Not even close. But hopefully by the time I leave for Florida I'll have everything purchased, wrapped, and packed. Oy!