It's That Time Again...

That's right, the day has almost arrived. Moving day. My boxes are stacked up high in my apartment. My dresser is empty and my pantry is barren. I am in the midst of my last week as a resident of Eden, NY.

As I wrote just about a year ago, how can this possibly be the right  decision if it hurts so much? This place is my home. I know the roads. I like my friends here. I don't want to leave. I really, really don't. I have known this day was coming, but, just as last time, it really didn't hit me until a specific point in time. One moment and everything comes crashing to a halt in front of you. This happened to be while I was driving home from my aunt and uncle's house tonight. I spent the whole evening there. Ate dinner, watched Glee with my cousin, made cookies. This is my normal now.

What am I going to do without Sunday dinner at Grandma's? Yes, she's not really my Grandma but that's the magic of it. She doesn't have to be blood related to me. That doesn't really matter a whole lot in the scheme of things. She's Grandma all the same. I don't want to leave the traditions I have been enveloped in. I may have grown up in Florida but a part of me never belonged there (and still doesn't). This feels like where I belong. My life keeps taking these twists and turns that I feel I'm not ready for. I've made it through all of them and I'm sure I'll make it through this one just the same but, to be frank, it sucks. This feeling sucks. I feel as though I'm leaving half my heart.

This isn't just a town. It's not just Western New York. That doesn't quite paint the picture right. This place has a culture I've never known. Buffalo isn't a city, it's a way of life. Beef on wic. PIZZA. Real German food. Real Irish food. Small shops. Family owned pubs. Chinese food (that up until last night I didn't know I liked). Winter festivals. Chestnut Ridge. Lawn fetes. Maple syrup. Backyard weddings. Family dinner. Game night. I'm doing such an injustice to this place by making a list. I could never write it all down.

And then there are things that can't be thrown on a list so easily. Sitting under an oak tree listening only to birdsong, wasting the afternoon away without a care in the world. Feeling the first rays of warm, warm summer sun. Watching the leaves burst into flames of brilliant color, watching them fall, and seeing the miracle of Spring shoot life into them in the form of pink purple burgundy yellow green blossoms. Taking a long drive just because you can. Windows down, hills ahead, fields all around, with only nightfall trying to stop you. And even then... Parking your car at the Pub for work and walking to the pizza place right down the street after. Knowing everybody.

Eden, and Western New York as a whole, is not something I can effectively write about. I'm not doing it justice. I can't. Maybe it's because I'm just not a good enough writer. But maybe it's something more than that. Maybe this place just has a little bit too much magic to be written down in all it's glory.

To every single person who has touched my life since moving here: I don't know how to thank you. To all my wonderful friends. To my Eden friends that have known each other all their lives and yet, without knowing me for more than a couple months, welcomed me into their group like somehow I belonged. To my school friends, we were and are such a misfit, odd group of people. No two the same. And yet we were able to bond so strongly. Never forget that that isn't something that happens often and may not ever happen in our lives again. I love you guys. To my family...I don't really know what to say. How could I? How could I thank every person for every single thing they have done for me? This blog post would turn into a novel, let me assure you. You know who you all are. Thank you. I love you.

It hurts my heart to think that I won't be here a week from now. But, as I said before, I've done this already. I got past the feeling of regret. I'll do it again. Just as every other little kid, I wished I was grown up. Not old (40...ew), but I wanted to be in my twenties sooooo bad. Well I'm almost there. Yeah just as I wished I have a car and a cell phone and no curfew and I can have a boyfriend (ha. ha.). I can go to bed whenever I want and I get to eat ice cream before dinner if I want. With all that good stuff I also learned how sucky it can be to be a grown-up. I take that with me, knowing that, just as it was true as a child, I can change my mind a thousand times and then a thousand times more. Decisions are not life and death (usually...that doesn't count for doctors). Just because I am leaving this beautiful place does not mean I won't return.

With that knowledge, I arm myself. That, and the comforting thought that I have a kickass road trip to look forward to.

Goodnight all. I think I've bawled my eyes out enough for one night.

"Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity”

-T.S. Eliot

I set off today with the intention of going to the park. I was going to the park. Done. Well, none my friends were available. Hmm...next move. What should be my next move? Aha! I'll go alone. I did it a couple weeks ago and it was such a pure and relaxing trip I was excited to do it again. I didn't bring a picnic because I wasn't hungry and I didn't bring my book because I wanted to hike/walk a bit so my load was considerably smaller than last time. Also unlike last time the car ride over, while still lovely, filled me with a feeling of not-belonging. The whole way there anxiety started to creep up on me.

What was I going to do there? I don't even know where the trails are. Should I bring my towel and sunbathe a little? No...no one else will be and I'll look weird. Is it going to be weird that I'm alone? Most people will be with friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, family. I'm going to look like a loner on top of the fact that I don't know where I'm going.

Needless to say I contemplated turning around about a dozen times. Nevertheless, I got there. I couldn't park though.

Where should I park? Should I park here even though I want to walk somewhere else?

So I didn't park at all. I drove through the park once and left. It felt almost worse than turning around. I was such a coward I couldn't even admit my own defeat-I had to drive through just so I could tell myself I had gone. Pathetic.

I don't really know where the anxiety came from. It could easily have spread like a disease while I was getting dressed to go outside. I want to wear shorts. I do. It's more comfortable and they're easier to move around in. But...I simply don't feel comfortable wearing shorts right now. None of mine fit right and last time I went shopping for shorts I couldn't find any that were long enough or flattering. So then my insides beat themselves up. Should I say, "Screw it! I'm wearing shorts!"? Of course. But hello! That doesn't happen. So then I changed about four times. I'm thinking that might be where all this started.

Like I said, anxiety is like a disease. A disgusting black plague that attacks your insides in one place and as soon as it has won it races off to beat something else up.

Right now, I'm lying outside under a big oak tree listening to birdsongs. I'm better now, but I'm also wearing jeans.

Hey! Everybody! Newsflash! Life sucks. And life's great. Sometimes at the same time. Try not to over-analyze it, but you probably will. That's what makes us human.

What am I going to miss? Ha. That's a funny question.

I'm going to miss the rolling hills, the abundant forests, the flowers. I'm going to miss the seasons in all their magical glory. I'm going to miss the old farm houses and looking out of Grandma Brenner's windows at Sunday dinner to watch the horses jump and play in the field. I'm going to miss the simplicity of beauty. I'm going to miss the soft grass (it's not the same in Florida, trust me on this). I'm going to miss all the friends I've made, my school friends and my Eden friends. I'm going to miss the family that has come to mean so much to me. I'm going to miss my little apartment that I have all to myself (which will probably never happen again). I'm going to miss the bakery that I'm interning at (that I could totally work at if I wasn't leaving). I'm going to miss Eat'sa Pizza (To all the people that think Domino's is as good as any other pizza place: you are wrong). I'm going to miss Canada being only a hop, skip, and a jump away. I'm going to miss looking out my windows and seeing nothing but crystal blue and vibrant greens. The sky's so BIG here! I'm going to miss Shadagee Rd. I'm going to miss driving through three towns in ten minutes. I'm going to miss finding people that know you and your whole family at the store, bank, etc. I'm going to miss little shops.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm sad I'm leaving (if you hadn't got that already). But what am I looking forward to?

I'm excited to drive to Florida with Chrissy. I'm excited to see the friends I've had since childhood. I'm excited to see Anna Maria Island. I'm excited to pack my beach bag (I've gotten pretty good at that throughout the years) and driving in my bikini with the windows down. I'm excited to hang out with my sister and brother. I'm excited to eat Atlanta Bread (sigh...and I guess I'm kind of excited to work there again, too). I'm excited to go to UCF. I'm excited to move into my new apartment with my best friend. I'm excited to start a new job. I'm excited to prove to myself that I can do it again-I can relocate and survive. I'm excited to add another city to the "places I've lived" list. I'm excited to explore Orlando. I'm excited to learn about myself what you can only learn by moving somewhere new.

Hey, life is short so I have to live it up! To my NY friends-I will be back. I promise. And we shall have a gay old time. To my FL friends-I'm coming back! So let's have some fun.

I'm only 19 and let me just let everyone know-I have what's known as "wanderlust". That means you shouldn't expect me to stay anywhere for too long, at least not until I'm older and have more grounding responsibilities.

It's silly for me to be sad. What do I have to be sad about? I spent an amazing year learning so much. I met people that have helped shape and guide me. There's not one thing I regret in coming here. And now this chapter of my life is, not over, just on hold. That's life, baby.