Technology Hates Me

The Hard Drive on my one-year-old computer is not feeling so well as of late. I can feel the slimy tendrils of stress slithering around my shoulders whispering angry nothings into my ear. I am already considering how much it will cost me (I can guarantee you it will be more than what is in my pitifully small bank account). There's also the problem of my cell phone. HAHA! The fact that I've never been able to keep a phone alive for very long is a family favorite when taking jabs at me. I don't physically break them but they all seem to malfunction without fail (...or with fail? I don't know). Either way, I now have a phone on the fritz and a computer with an impending crash. Needless to say I was feeling pretty down and out. I was whining (perhaps a little too much) and my mom said these words to me, "My God! You're like one big First World Problem!"

Through the laughing that ensued I saw the wisdom in her words. She was right. These are both First World Problems. While they are still very prevalent in my mind since school starts back up in a week, I can take to heart that I still have food in my tummy and a roof over my head.

Happy New Year, all.

Christmas Time Is Here

Why is it that I spend the first eleven months of the year singing the joys of Christmas and when it comes I just wish it would be over? I get stressed and disheartened and generally just wish it'd pass as quickly and with as little pain as possible. About this time every December, though, I find something to be the kick in the pants I need to get back in the spirit. It's different every year. This year it came in the form of a very dear friends blog post. She wrote everything I wish I could think of. Give it a read, it's worth your time.

Reframing: Holiday Style

Date A Girl Who Reads

"If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads." - Rosemarie Urquico "Date A Girl Who Reads"

Sometimes I feel like I must be the only one to feel the way I do, but then I remember there are seven billion people on this planet. I cannot possibly be the only one who feels so strongly. When I am sad, I am devastated. When I am happy, I feel as though I'm floating amongst the heavens with the sun radiating inside me. When I read a book, I feel the book. I'm still not quite convinced some people understand how deep this can go.

I once had an idea for a new story. I was writing feverishly and listening to a song from a movie score. The song flung me into a pit of despair and I found myself writing and weeping. No, I was not just being an emotional wreck. I was feeling. Simply feeling. Feeling so strongly that I thought I was the story, that it was all happening to me.

Does this happen to any of you? Do you have moments when you're listening to a song and you can't help but close your eyes, purse your lips shut tight-you couldn't bear to speak? You just...feel. You get swept away in a sea of emotion, be it happy, sad, quiet, or loud.

If this doesn't happen to you-I'm sorry. Even when it's a sad moment, being able to feel so deeply and strongly is something that everyone should experience. If it does, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

Uh Oh

Gosh darnit I did it again. I promise I will not leave this blog forever.

A few things have happened since I last wrote, the biggest of which is being diagnosed with ADHD. Yeah...I've never really been diagnosed with anything. Well, that's not true. I found out a couple years ago that I have PMDD but other than that, this is kind of a new feeling for me. While, in this day and age, it is not so detrimental to my well being what with medication, seeing a therapist, finding grounding techniques, it is still something that can be a huge part of your life if you let it.

Either way, it's still been something that's been on my mind quite a bit as of late. All those little things that are a part of who I am that I attributed to being a little "eccentric" or maybe that everybody feels that way. Well, I guess they don't. It's strange but extremely relieving to know that I have a bonified reason to be struggling in school right now, and not just that I'm dumb or lazy.

I'll leave that subject at that and move on to other news.

The holidays are upon us and I am quite excited. My cute little apartment is now my cute little Christmas apartment. It's cozy and festive. I wish it could stay this way all year long. :) Soon, the semester will be over and I'll have about three weeks to enjoy at home with my sure to be beautiful baby nephew that is so close to joining this world. All in all, life is good. A bit hectic and stressful, but good none the less.

I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving and I hope you do as well.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Kayla

I ♥ Film Festivals pt. 2

Saturday, Cheryl and I watched the movie I had been most anticipating: Adante. It was spoken in Hebrew and was about a society that couldn't dream anymore. You should watch the trailer (Andante trailer) because it gives you a really good grasp at the theme of the movie. I had a hard time following the scenes because I felt like I was missing something but then it dawned on me that what I was seeing might be following more of a dreamers perspective. It's not supposed to make total sense. Sure enough, when I got home and looked at a more detailed synopsis I knew I got just what I was supposed to from the film and would love to see it again and catch some things I surely missed. 

After that we saw The Pill. This was a welcome break to the mind-a romantic comedy. I thought the leading actress Rachel Boston (who also starred in 10 Years Later) was delightful to watch on screen and felt like she really made the movie her own. She faintly reminded me of Zooey Deschenal, just in her eclectic and slightly off-the-wall personality.

Our very last film of the festival was Vamperifica (vamperifica.com). This one was a great mixture of drama, suspense, and comedy. Trying to bring back their vampire king, two vampires turn a flamboyantly gay community college student (Carmen) into a vampire. Even though he is the reincarnation of the ancient king his soul has morphed so much over the 200 years that the vampires that turned him are forced to try and take him down. They lose, and in the process turned one of his best friends. They end up living a happy/bloody eternity.

Ahhh and the festival was over. There was one more set of shorts we were going to watch Sunday but both of us were dead beat and decided that sitting in bed all day in our pj's sounded like more fun than getting all dolled up once again, driving twenty minutes, and paying a ridiculous amount of money for tolls/parking just for one set of shorts (and it was). Between getting really good at walking in heels, to learning a little about the process of making an independent film, to walking around downtown and discovering a beautiful park this festival has got me hooked. I want to go to more and I can already say that my name will be on the list for the festival next year.

The only thing I would change is getting the VIP badges. While the free popcorn was nice, I don't really think we got enough out of it. A whole festival pass was only $15. If we had've gone to all the parties for VIPs I'd say it was worth the money. We planned on going to them, but every night when we got out of our last movie the prospect of walking to wherever the party was, hanging out for a while, and having to get up for school the next day was just never worth it. Plus I got sick just in time for the weekend (yay me).

That being the only complaint, though, I'm one happy chick. 

I ♥ Film Festivals pt. 1

This week, I had the pleasure of spending four days attending my first ever film festival in downtown Orlando. Cheryl and I have been looking forward to this a lot and more went into it than you might think. Outfits had to be planned. New shoes/dresses/shirts/tights/whatever needed to be purchased (Good thing October is almost over, my bank account can't take much more). We put our schedules together with the film schedule and our list of films we wanted to see and set forth on making a time table. We also had to factor in in-between times, places to eat, you get the picture. All in all, this has more or less been consuming us for weeks now.

On Wednesday we got dressed and rushed off to the first and only film of the evening: Virgin Alexander (virginalexander.com). I highly recommend you look it up and watch the trailer. It was a delightful movie and I absolutely loved it. It was up for multiple awards and I'm still trying to find out if it won. After the movie, the filmmakers (husband and wife) came out and did a Q&A. I learned a lot about the film that really made me appreciate working on a budget. Your cheap film doesn't have to look cheap.

Thursday, we watched two groups of shorts: Animation Celebration which included Deep Blue Breath, Dissolving Destinies, The Birds Upstairs and the Jockstrap Raiders; and Artistic Impressions which included Dream Street Productions, Hallows' Eve and the Pumpkin Dream, Land of Blossom, NIQAB, The Fall of the Cutter's Mind, and Change. In the Animation Celebration I think my favorite was definitely The Jockstrap Raiders (thejockstrapraiders.com). It was a cute tale and was very well done. For Artistic Impressions I'd go with Dream Street Productions. It follows the style of a "Behind The Scenes" type of video only you realize it's the behind the scenes for the making of his dreams. Very cool concept, and again, well done.

Friday (my birthday), we saw 10 Years Later and Moleman of Belmont Ave. 10 Years Later (10yearslaterthemovie.com) was awesome. It followed a group of friends reuniting after 10 years (duh). Their reunion, however, is a bit rocky since one of them brings a tied up sheriff with them. It got really interesting and by the end you were rooting for the characters with unexpected veracity. Moleman of Belmont Ave (molemanmovie.com) was simply hilarious. The story centered around two brothers who owned their late mother's apartment building. After the mysterious disappearances of pets around the building, the brothers find out that none other than the Moleman is behind it. Their comedic timing was fantastic and I really enjoyed it. One of the brothers from the film was there (he was also the co-writer and co-director) and he did a Q&A. He was just as funny as his character and again made me realize what you can do with a tiny budget.

I'm cutting it off here since it's already kind of long as I have lots more to tell you. Pt. 2  coming soon.

20 Things I've Learned In Twenty Years:

1. Never grocery shop when you are A) Hungry B) PMSing.
2. Trying to force others to do something your way probably isn't going to work. Compromise, compromise, compromise.
3. There's nothing wrong with asking for help.
4. For some people, music soothes all. For others that may be riding their bike, playing video games, or watching trashy tv. Respect that.
5. Don't ever make a plan that involves doing it "even though you hate it". Chances are it won't work.
6. Always try to befriend the people you work with. It generally leads to a myriad of good things.
7. The fact that people like or don't like you may be completely out of your control. Move on.
8. You don't reap any rewards if you don't first take a chance.
9. Christmas shouldn't cause you stress. I mean, it does. But it shouldn't. Relax, have some eggnog, and enjoy the season.
10. Spending a little money to make your bed more comfy is money WELL SPENT.
11. Eating bagels for breakfast for two months straight will probably make you sick of them. The same rule applies to most things in life.
12. Realize that not every decision is life or death.
13. When in doubt-sleep on it.
14. Dealing with people you don't like is an invaluable skill. I'm still working on it.
15. If you are attached to an electronic more than you are a family member, it might be time to take a break from it. Or to get rid of the family member. Either way, you should probably think about it.
16. Organized life=less stress
17. Appreciate the fact that you have a home, money in your bank account (no matter how little, it's more than some), a bed to sleep in, friends, family, you get the picture.
18. Gifts should always be more fun to give than to receive. Check your priorities.
19. Safe is boring.
20. It's your life. Live it how you want to. And above all, strive for happiness. The rest will fall into place after that.

Some of those may be exclusive to me, but for the most part I think they're pretty good life lessons I've learned (the hard way) over the past two decades. I've been blessed with a wonderful life and sometimes it just takes me a little while to remember that.

Happy day, all.

What A Year For A New Year

(I'd listen to this song if I were you. I think it adds something. Ignore the video. Click here)

Is it really this time already? It's October. Soon, maybe too soon, I will be turning twenty. TWENTY! I won't be a teenager anymore. I won't have the excuse of youthful innocence anymore. I think I'm okay with it. Because, as we all know, I've never been one to relate to my age group very well. I get to enter a new era of my life, now. My twenties. Oy.

A lot is presumably going to happen now. There's a good chance I'll get married, have kids, maybe buy a house. All that, in the next ten years of my life.

And then there's the fact that it's almost the end of the year. It's October; a couple more months and BAM-2012. How does something so big sneak up on us every year? This means another year of my life will be laid down. I remember the resolution I made last year. I said I want to be proud of myself. I think I am. I've been doing pretty well in Orlando. Haven't starved, or gone completely broke, or locked my keys in my car. I think that's what success means.

I finished my school year at ECC and survived a bakery internship (which included Easter...holy crap). I made the decision to move home. That certainly wasn't easy. I made my first road trip sans Mom and didn't die. I got a new job and actually felt like I fit in from the beginning which has never happened to me before.

But let's not forget the most important thing of all. I'm going to be an aunt in a couple months. Our family is growing and I am so elated to think that I will have a new little one to love as if he were my own (but don't worry Rachel, I won't steal him). I relish in the thought of watching my nephew grow and play and laugh.

So there you have it. My year in a nutshell. Every year has seemed harder than the last. Then again, every year has seemed more rewarding than the last, as well. So here's to change! Here's to life and adventure and youth! Live to live, not to meet any kind of a quota. The world will be beautiful only if you make it.

P.S. If anyone has their year in a nutshell and wants to share, feel free. I'd love to read them.

A Picture Update

This isn't a "picture stories" or anything but I figured I'd throw a couple pictures up here to let you know what's going on.

This is my bedroom all decorated. I love it. I just finished it the other day and yes, as Cheryl likes to remind me, it looks a little like Grandma's cottage. But I don't care. It's just eclectic and homey enough to make me love it.

These are my roommates. The one on the right as you probably know is my best friend. Yes, we bicker. Yes, I'm so glad we live together. The one on the left is our new bestie. Thank the roommate Gods we got her. ♥

And this one is from fairly early this summer. It's not really an update I just wanted to share it because in this picture I was truly elated. That is no phony smile, no sarcastic grin. I was so purely happy right then and I think that alone makes it beautiful. Of course, shortly after this was the very worst part of my summer/year but that's beside the point.

So there you go. A little look at what's going on. Hope everyone is doing well. Goodnight, all.

You Never Know

I found out my friend lost her mother to a drug overdose last night. I don't even know where to start. My heart aches for her. She hasn't had the stereotypical platonic family ever in her life, as far as I know. And with all the trials she's been through she still has a solid head on her shoulders and a pretty face to boot. But losing a mom...this has gone too far.

Selfish me, I immediately began to put myself in her shoes. How would I feel if I knew I would never get to see my mom again? Never get another hug. Never call her to spill my week, even the dull and boring and never get turned away. How would I cope? How would I get up in the morning? I don't know that I would.

Eventually, of course, everyone must die. But not now. Not so soon. And my friend is two years younger than me to top it all off. Her mother will never see her high school graduation. She'll never see her daughter turn eighteen. How is that fair? How is that fair to my friend?

It's not. It's not okay. And if my mother ever did that to me I would hate her for it. But I know that no matter how much hate I would be able to muster it would be a grain of sand compared to the beach that just wanted her back.

Death is a part of life. It has it's time, it's place. And yesterday was not it. I will hold my shoulders a little lower today. Because more tragic than the woman that lost her life is the girl that lost a mother.

Carry on, young friends

So, as it always seems to happen, my life got busy and my blog got pushed to the side. I've lived in Orlando for a little over a week and it seems like a lifetime. Seriously. It feels like I haven't been home in months. I'm not homesick necessarily, it just feels weird. Never the less, I am settled in and it is time to start chronicling my life again.

School has started. Yikes. It's hard. Not hard. Rather, time consuming. I spend a lot more time studying than I have ever had to do (except college Macro Economics but I shudder just thinking about it, so let's not). I'm at a big girl school so I suppose it comes with the territory. It also probably didn't help anything that I spent the last year virtually homework free. I think I went soft.

All in all, I'm doing well. I've started my job and am loving it so far. I have not met one person I didn't like and it seems to be a small, tight-knit group which I revel in. I enjoy working in the Transfer and Transition Services Office because we are a sort of underdog that never gets credit. We serve a huge amount of UCF's 50,000 students and we do things no other office will do. I see everyone's eyes glimmer when they talk about so-and-so thinking about expanding our budget and whats-his-face finally taking notice of them. It's a very cool thing, and I'm glad to be a part of it.

My apartment is starting to really be home. It's cute, it's decorated, and it's clean. What more could I ask? I love my new roomie and have met her friends which are cool as well. Pretty much, I'm settling into this new college life and it's going pretty well so far. I'm working hard, but finding a little time for fun too. I'll keep you updated.

Goodnight, all.

I looked down my street today as I walked to my car. Something about the dark clouds and the vibrant greens of the trees was shocking. It was so saturated and deep. I stared down the street just as I have been for the last 16 years and for the first time in a long time I had to stop and admire the beauty of it. Hmph...weird.

Is It Time Yet? Oh It Is? Let's Slow Down A Little

In less than one hour it will be official: I move to Orlando in a week. If you've come into contact with me in the last several months you already know this since it's almost all I think/talk/dream/write/Facebook about anymore. I am so overly pumped to start this chapter of my life I cannot stand it. The best friend and I have been shopping, planning, and virtually designing our rooms for months. It almost doesn't seem real. The only things to keep me in reality are the constant calls from Cheryl about something we need for our apartment and the ever-present boxes stacked tall and wide in my bedroom.

I've made it no secret, this summer, that I detest Bradenton. I don't enjoy the heat. The beach is ehhh. The majority of the people here are simply people I wish I could never associate with. I don't like it here. But on the other side, I have my little secret. I love being home. While everything I just said was true, I cannot get over how much I love being with my family. Hanging out with my sister and brother is one of my all time favorite things to do. And before you even think it, it's not sad or pathetic at all. At one point I thought it was a little nerdy that I voluntarily spend as much time with my siblings as possible. But then I realized that the times when I laugh/cry the most often is with them. And, any way I can get to that euphoria could never be labeled pathetic. Few people know that level of happiness in their lifetime, let alone three times in an afternoon.

Spending the day with my mom, be it lunch or cleaning or shopping for things we can't buy, reminds me that friends don't necessarily have to be your age. I missed her a lot when I was in New York. Having Linda up there was like having a second mom, for sure. But I still missed my mommy. It's going to be hard not to have her a three minute drive away again.

And my Dad...our quiet Sunday mornings eating cinnamon rolls (Hopefully the orange kind, of course. Right Dad?) in the living room in our pajamas is a tradition that has truly proven itself over the years. While it used to include the whole family, it has dwindled down to kind of be "our thing" in my opinion. While I'm not up earlier than him anymore to make them myself, it's still something I can look forward to every Sunday I'm home. I tried doing it in New York and it just wasn't the same.

Pair that with my honorary sibling, Katy Jo that I've gotten to spend time with lately and you have one happy Kay. While I'm still bursting with excitement for Orlando there's that voice again that reminds me that behind my smile I will always have an ache in my heart for when I was last with my family. My last Wii night for a while. The last time I walked into my brother's room to yell, "SHUT YO FACE" and ended up staying for an hour. The last time my sister and I sang show tunes and one of us did something so stupid we couldn't stop laughing for half an hour. You get the gist...

All in all I'm counting down the days (soon I'll start counting hours hehe). I know this is the natural feeling because I've felt it so many times since graduating high school. Sigh...maybe someday I will be able to post other things besides silly poetry written by an emotional girl and ramblings about moving. I think it will help that after this next move I don't plan on moving again for a few years. We'll see how that goes! ;)

P.S. Congrats for reading all the way down here. I know it must get boring.

P.P.S. This is my 100th post! Yay me!

Tu es juste un bébé

Damn those that make you feel belittled.

Damn the ones that stand on your shoulders and call themselves tall.

Damn the liars and the cheaters and the cut-in-line sneekers.

Damn them all.

I will feel tall today.

I will stand with my shoulders held back, head raised high with my eyes on the stars because I am me and that's a damn good thing to be.

I will tell you that you are small because you are.

I will let you know that I am no dork, no loser, no down-and-outer.

I am graceful, divine, resplendent, sublime, exquisite, and radiant.

And that's on an off day.

You feel as though you're powerful. You feel as though you're cool.

Well let me tell you, you little boy.

You are nothing more than the lies you build upon yourself.

You are the failures of your life.

You are the disappointment of your family.

You are the lead balloon trying to float.

Go ahead and make me seem small. Because in the end I am a mountain cresting amongst the heavens and you are but a valley collecting mud for the swine to bathe in.


Oh and whatever you do, don't ever piss off a writer.

Fast Track To Nothing: this place sucks

Do you want to know why I really don't enjoy living in my hometown? Because I am so dreadfully sick and tired of small, petty problems. Being here does nothing but suck you into these trite issues that, frankly, I couldn't care less about.

Who's mad at who today? Who screwed who last night? Ohhh they don't want a relationship because they like your best friend? Ew did you hear about Skank A and Skank B? Yeah they got in this huge fight outside "insert lame hangout here" and now they've sworn to never talk again.

Hey! Guess what! No one gives a flying fuck. Yep. I said it. I don't feel in the mood to sugarcoat things. And somehow, even though I make my feelings clear, I still become involved. Even personally involved. Like, falling for a piece of crap. Yeah, you'd think missy here with her sarcastic, slightly sardonic blog would know better than to run away with emotions. You'd think she would know that trash and losers make up 90% of the population, leaving only a sad handful to live in the squalor they create. But alas, it seems even I am not immune.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but even in my short-lived time away from home I was able to briefly glimpse the outside world. A world where the immature actually become the mature over time. Where it's not impossible to surround yourself with people that enjoy things other than Lil Wayne and crappy beer. Don't get me wrong, every place has their trash, but it seems to me that B-Town has a larger than normal concentration of it.

I love being near my family and sadly, that means I see myself spending more time than I'd like here in the future. But you can bet your ass I will never lay down permanent roots if I can avoid it. This place is like a poison, seeping through my still-young veins. I want to get out while I'm still really alive. While I can still somewhat separate myself from the "culture" here.

I may have said this in a bit of an erratic, emotional state but so what. If I have offended anyone, I am sorry. I'm not sorry for saying it, just that you found it personally offensive.

Opinion

I saw a really breath taking movie (The Tree Of Life) the other day. I won't go into to much detail because, to be honest, it's one of those things you just have to see. After seeing the movie, I decided to look up reviews to see if maybe I could learn a little bit more about the symbolism that I may have missed (there was a lot). I started reading reviews from reputable sources and the longer I read them the more I just felt unagreeable. Why am I listening to these people?

Then all of a sudden it all felt very silly to me. I was literally going online to find people that could tell me what they thought of a movie (presumably, what I should think of the movie). I didn't know these people. They might not have similar tastes to me, even. So why on earth was I spending my time listening to them ramble on about a movie?

Why does anyone? Well, I think that question is quite easy to answer and hard at the same time.  People seek movie reviews so they don't have to form their own opinion. But it also goes deeper.

"Ehh, I looked it up. Bad reviews. I'm not gonna bother," is something I've heard far too many times. Or better yet, "Well, it looked good but gosh it's getting bad reviews. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 20%. I'm not wasting my money on that".

Since when are we complacent to listen to other people's choices, feelings, and convictions? These days, it seems that to have an "opinion" one must  search the internet, television, and magazines just to get an idea of what's worth the effort or time. People are decided if they like something well before they ever see, read, or try it. It's sad that these are the ways of our world. Or rather, these are the ways of our society. I hate to sound hipsterish (yeah...I just coined that) but I would love to live some place in Europe where art, your true beliefs, and a love of life are all that guide you.

I am exploding

Every piece of me is on edge ready to take flight

With my arms held wide I let the skin of my face up to the sky

It leaves me for the great beyond

My hands lower to the cool, damp earth

They sink away into the soil

My eyes spot the  forest off in the distance

They leap from their home in search of fairy tale adventures

My feet find purchase on the gravel of a nearby road

They run...forever

My hips stumble upon the soft, soft sands of the beach

With sea spray misting all, they shake to the beat of the earth

All but one piece have gone, left for greater things

My heart, at first reluctant, floats to another

It will be safe there, protected

I am at home now.

Everywhere.

I'm Back!

I'm home. I'm at my old job. I'm settled in. Life is back to the way it was pre-New York. I hate that feeling. It's easy to just forget that whole year even happened. But it did and I will never let myself forget about it. Other than that, life is pretty normal right now. My life consists of Atlanta Bread, friends, family, and Atlanta Bread. That's okay for right now but I will happily admit that I'm quite ready to move to Orlando and begin my new college life.

In other news I'm considering starting a foodie blog. Specifically baking (duhh). I want my brother to do it with me and do the cooking side of it because he's actually a decent, self-taught cook. He's not so into that but maybe with some prodding I can get him to post a few times. I am hesitant to start this, though, because (as silly as this sounds) a blog is a responsibility to me. I love my blog. I'm proud of it. I try to post things semi-regularly and only about things that I truly care about. It's been quite a bit of work to not just quit. With that being said, starting another blog would be the same. I'm worried I simply won't have the time to make it perfect (or damn near, at the very least). Pair all that with the fact that I'm trying to start making videos with my long distance friend, Nicole, and you have one busy Kay!

I'll probably make it, just to see how cute it'll look and then we'll see if I actually post it.

I haven't forgotten about my blog! Well, that's partially a lie. In the midst of moving and starting my job again I'm just going to need a little while to get back into the swing of things. Promise!

It's That Time Again...

That's right, the day has almost arrived. Moving day. My boxes are stacked up high in my apartment. My dresser is empty and my pantry is barren. I am in the midst of my last week as a resident of Eden, NY.

As I wrote just about a year ago, how can this possibly be the right  decision if it hurts so much? This place is my home. I know the roads. I like my friends here. I don't want to leave. I really, really don't. I have known this day was coming, but, just as last time, it really didn't hit me until a specific point in time. One moment and everything comes crashing to a halt in front of you. This happened to be while I was driving home from my aunt and uncle's house tonight. I spent the whole evening there. Ate dinner, watched Glee with my cousin, made cookies. This is my normal now.

What am I going to do without Sunday dinner at Grandma's? Yes, she's not really my Grandma but that's the magic of it. She doesn't have to be blood related to me. That doesn't really matter a whole lot in the scheme of things. She's Grandma all the same. I don't want to leave the traditions I have been enveloped in. I may have grown up in Florida but a part of me never belonged there (and still doesn't). This feels like where I belong. My life keeps taking these twists and turns that I feel I'm not ready for. I've made it through all of them and I'm sure I'll make it through this one just the same but, to be frank, it sucks. This feeling sucks. I feel as though I'm leaving half my heart.

This isn't just a town. It's not just Western New York. That doesn't quite paint the picture right. This place has a culture I've never known. Buffalo isn't a city, it's a way of life. Beef on wic. PIZZA. Real German food. Real Irish food. Small shops. Family owned pubs. Chinese food (that up until last night I didn't know I liked). Winter festivals. Chestnut Ridge. Lawn fetes. Maple syrup. Backyard weddings. Family dinner. Game night. I'm doing such an injustice to this place by making a list. I could never write it all down.

And then there are things that can't be thrown on a list so easily. Sitting under an oak tree listening only to birdsong, wasting the afternoon away without a care in the world. Feeling the first rays of warm, warm summer sun. Watching the leaves burst into flames of brilliant color, watching them fall, and seeing the miracle of Spring shoot life into them in the form of pink purple burgundy yellow green blossoms. Taking a long drive just because you can. Windows down, hills ahead, fields all around, with only nightfall trying to stop you. And even then... Parking your car at the Pub for work and walking to the pizza place right down the street after. Knowing everybody.

Eden, and Western New York as a whole, is not something I can effectively write about. I'm not doing it justice. I can't. Maybe it's because I'm just not a good enough writer. But maybe it's something more than that. Maybe this place just has a little bit too much magic to be written down in all it's glory.

To every single person who has touched my life since moving here: I don't know how to thank you. To all my wonderful friends. To my Eden friends that have known each other all their lives and yet, without knowing me for more than a couple months, welcomed me into their group like somehow I belonged. To my school friends, we were and are such a misfit, odd group of people. No two the same. And yet we were able to bond so strongly. Never forget that that isn't something that happens often and may not ever happen in our lives again. I love you guys. To my family...I don't really know what to say. How could I? How could I thank every person for every single thing they have done for me? This blog post would turn into a novel, let me assure you. You know who you all are. Thank you. I love you.

It hurts my heart to think that I won't be here a week from now. But, as I said before, I've done this already. I got past the feeling of regret. I'll do it again. Just as every other little kid, I wished I was grown up. Not old (40...ew), but I wanted to be in my twenties sooooo bad. Well I'm almost there. Yeah just as I wished I have a car and a cell phone and no curfew and I can have a boyfriend (ha. ha.). I can go to bed whenever I want and I get to eat ice cream before dinner if I want. With all that good stuff I also learned how sucky it can be to be a grown-up. I take that with me, knowing that, just as it was true as a child, I can change my mind a thousand times and then a thousand times more. Decisions are not life and death (usually...that doesn't count for doctors). Just because I am leaving this beautiful place does not mean I won't return.

With that knowledge, I arm myself. That, and the comforting thought that I have a kickass road trip to look forward to.

Goodnight all. I think I've bawled my eyes out enough for one night.

"Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity”

-T.S. Eliot

I set off today with the intention of going to the park. I was going to the park. Done. Well, none my friends were available. Hmm...next move. What should be my next move? Aha! I'll go alone. I did it a couple weeks ago and it was such a pure and relaxing trip I was excited to do it again. I didn't bring a picnic because I wasn't hungry and I didn't bring my book because I wanted to hike/walk a bit so my load was considerably smaller than last time. Also unlike last time the car ride over, while still lovely, filled me with a feeling of not-belonging. The whole way there anxiety started to creep up on me.

What was I going to do there? I don't even know where the trails are. Should I bring my towel and sunbathe a little? No...no one else will be and I'll look weird. Is it going to be weird that I'm alone? Most people will be with friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, family. I'm going to look like a loner on top of the fact that I don't know where I'm going.

Needless to say I contemplated turning around about a dozen times. Nevertheless, I got there. I couldn't park though.

Where should I park? Should I park here even though I want to walk somewhere else?

So I didn't park at all. I drove through the park once and left. It felt almost worse than turning around. I was such a coward I couldn't even admit my own defeat-I had to drive through just so I could tell myself I had gone. Pathetic.

I don't really know where the anxiety came from. It could easily have spread like a disease while I was getting dressed to go outside. I want to wear shorts. I do. It's more comfortable and they're easier to move around in. But...I simply don't feel comfortable wearing shorts right now. None of mine fit right and last time I went shopping for shorts I couldn't find any that were long enough or flattering. So then my insides beat themselves up. Should I say, "Screw it! I'm wearing shorts!"? Of course. But hello! That doesn't happen. So then I changed about four times. I'm thinking that might be where all this started.

Like I said, anxiety is like a disease. A disgusting black plague that attacks your insides in one place and as soon as it has won it races off to beat something else up.

Right now, I'm lying outside under a big oak tree listening to birdsongs. I'm better now, but I'm also wearing jeans.

Hey! Everybody! Newsflash! Life sucks. And life's great. Sometimes at the same time. Try not to over-analyze it, but you probably will. That's what makes us human.

What am I going to miss? Ha. That's a funny question.

I'm going to miss the rolling hills, the abundant forests, the flowers. I'm going to miss the seasons in all their magical glory. I'm going to miss the old farm houses and looking out of Grandma Brenner's windows at Sunday dinner to watch the horses jump and play in the field. I'm going to miss the simplicity of beauty. I'm going to miss the soft grass (it's not the same in Florida, trust me on this). I'm going to miss all the friends I've made, my school friends and my Eden friends. I'm going to miss the family that has come to mean so much to me. I'm going to miss my little apartment that I have all to myself (which will probably never happen again). I'm going to miss the bakery that I'm interning at (that I could totally work at if I wasn't leaving). I'm going to miss Eat'sa Pizza (To all the people that think Domino's is as good as any other pizza place: you are wrong). I'm going to miss Canada being only a hop, skip, and a jump away. I'm going to miss looking out my windows and seeing nothing but crystal blue and vibrant greens. The sky's so BIG here! I'm going to miss Shadagee Rd. I'm going to miss driving through three towns in ten minutes. I'm going to miss finding people that know you and your whole family at the store, bank, etc. I'm going to miss little shops.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm sad I'm leaving (if you hadn't got that already). But what am I looking forward to?

I'm excited to drive to Florida with Chrissy. I'm excited to see the friends I've had since childhood. I'm excited to see Anna Maria Island. I'm excited to pack my beach bag (I've gotten pretty good at that throughout the years) and driving in my bikini with the windows down. I'm excited to hang out with my sister and brother. I'm excited to eat Atlanta Bread (sigh...and I guess I'm kind of excited to work there again, too). I'm excited to go to UCF. I'm excited to move into my new apartment with my best friend. I'm excited to start a new job. I'm excited to prove to myself that I can do it again-I can relocate and survive. I'm excited to add another city to the "places I've lived" list. I'm excited to explore Orlando. I'm excited to learn about myself what you can only learn by moving somewhere new.

Hey, life is short so I have to live it up! To my NY friends-I will be back. I promise. And we shall have a gay old time. To my FL friends-I'm coming back! So let's have some fun.

I'm only 19 and let me just let everyone know-I have what's known as "wanderlust". That means you shouldn't expect me to stay anywhere for too long, at least not until I'm older and have more grounding responsibilities.

It's silly for me to be sad. What do I have to be sad about? I spent an amazing year learning so much. I met people that have helped shape and guide me. There's not one thing I regret in coming here. And now this chapter of my life is, not over, just on hold. That's life, baby.

Picture Stories #3

His senses were acute. He was the predator. He could feel the sinewy muscle throughout his wings. They bunched, in preparation for flight. He could see his next victim. He felt no animosity towards the thing. It looked small and a little sad. But he was a predator. This is who he was born to be. The focus in his wings was acute to the point of pain. He swooped, releasing the tension and going for the kill. He never missed a target.

He and his kind had been working for centuries to get the world just right. He was excited in a way. He had been working hard to make the world for them. He made mysteries, natural wonders, abundant resources. They asked nothing in return; it was their responsibility. They had lived on Earth for eons. It was simply their time to pass it on. It was selfish to hog one planet for too long. He felt the anticipation one might feel as they prepared a wonderful gift for a good friend.

Later, as he looked back, he wept. His friends had spent so much time on the beautiful planet. The humans had not appreciated it as he thought they would have. The forests they planted were gone. The protective shield around the sky was broken and porous. Surely, they don't realize. Surely they will figure out the wrongness of their ways soon and fix the Earth for the next generation. One hopes...

I am the Earth that created me. I am the sun that warms my face. I am the wind that tickles my skin. I am the grass that caresses my toes. I am the bear in the woods and the deer on the lawn.  I swim in the forest and I hike in the sea. I am everywhere and I am nowhere. I am me. I am the Earth.

That last one is little old me. As I looked over it, words started to flow through my mind. I needed a third picture for picture stories and there you have it! I'll just show off my deliriously good looks.

Links:

Angry Bird (get it...as in the game tehe)

Giant

Mark Twain Is Alive!

As you know, I had plenty of winter adventures the last several months. I learned what a toboggan was and that it's way cooler to call it a T-Bog. I went sledding, tubing, you name it-I did it.

Well, it's Spring now and I didn't want the adventures to end. Thankfully, they haven't. So far this season I've gotten to do two really cool things.

First was a Maple Festival. Now, when I eat pancakes they usually don't have syrup on them. Ehhh syrup is good I guess but it's just whatever to me. I'm here to tell you, ladies and gentlemen that I only felt this way because I had never had real maple syrup. Where the heck have I been all my life? Oh yeah, NOT where they make maple syrup. It's got this amazing, intense sweet flavor that is strangely unique. If you've had the imitation stuff just know that it's not the same...at all.

So at this festival I learned how maple syrup has been made for hundreds of years. Really, the process hasn't changed much. The containers are different...that's about it. Which really, if you think about it, is pretty amazing. Similar processes and products have so vastly changed throughout the years that you can't really see the resemblance from then and now. The Native Americans pretty much had it spot on.

After we learned about how it was made, we got to stroll through the historical village. I saw a woman making bread with the natural yeast coming from the brewery. I learned a lot from the tinsmith. I even learned how beer was made in the olden days.

All in all it was a fantastic start to the Spring adventures I hope will be plentiful. (I must mention, this was on a freezing cold day with spits of rain and snow...but it was Spring so it still counts.)

Last night was the exciting second installment of the Spring Adventure series. I got to see Mark Twain Live. Apparently there's a local chief meteorologist that has been involved in theatre since he was a little younger than I am now. He dresses like Mr. Twain and acts him to a tee. I'm ashamed to say that I have never really taken an interest in Mark Twain's writing because I just assumed (Yeah, I know what happens when I assume. I feel like such an ass.) it would be boring and stuffy. That's not the case at all. Mike Randall (playing Twain) brought a vitality to him that I hadn't known existed. I wasn't aware, but in his time he was just as famous for his stage work as he was for his books. He paved the way for modern stand-up comedians. And let me tell you, he was funny. For something written in the 1800's to be funny to a 19 year old of 2011 is a pretty awesome thing.

Groundhogs Are Cute-End Of Story

As I looked out the window in my door this morning I saw something. I couldn't quite figure out what it was without my glasses. I squinted to no avail. My glasses, though, were all the way across the apartment and I didn't want to lose sight of this mysterious little creature. Well, I figured, I had to try. I did one of those runs to get my glasses that if anyone ever saw I'd be terribly embarrassed. That loping, use-your-long-legs-for-something-useful type of run.

I rushed back with all four eyes and looked out to survey the land. To my delight, the creature was still there. It's not something I had ever seen in person; I was instantly sure of that. But he did seem familiar. Groundhog. That's the word that popped into my mind. Yes, after a quick search on Google (thank you, modern technology) I learned that it was, indeed, a groundhog in the garden. I watched him nibble (probably to my aunt and uncle's dismay, but that's not my battle). He scurried and quickly stole my heart. I want one (just kidding...but really only half kidding).

I widened my gaze to survey the whole garden. There was not only a groundhog but four pretty birds swooping and landing, swooping and landing. They were a soft, medium shade of blue and at least one of them (the one closest to me) had a red-ish belly.

From there I noticed the yellow buds starting to form on a few of the plants that are growing strong. I even noticed a fly or two. I have an extreme dislike of flies but something about them reminded me of that feeling. (Quick, just have to add  this-the groundhog just ran up the steps like there was no tomorrow. Too freaking cute.) That feeling that you get on a warm summer afternoon. Especially here. You're on the verge of being too hot, but you're not quite there yet. A warm breeze floats across your body.

The wind is electric. The clouds are varying shades of grey. I feel strange saying this, but I would love a good, summer thunderstorm. One where even the rain is hot. And the pulse coming through the air is almost tangible. I'm pretending now that what I'm seeing is the beginning of a wonderful, terrible, beautiful thunderstorm.

Happy Spring to you.

So all throughout this school year I've dealt with my teachers not liking me. I've never been one that couldn't stand to not be the teacher's favorite. That's not my style. If the teacher favors me that's awesome. If not, that's fine too. But when they don't like me flat out it rubs me the wrong way. Chalk it up to being the daughter of a teacher, I've always needed my teachers to at least like me. That's it. I just want them to think of me in a positive light.

I'm always the student that sees a teacher in the hallway and says, "Hi! How was your weekend?" or "Have a good night! See you tomorrow". I always try to be polite and do what they ask without to much huffing and puffing. Now, I think that would be the makings of someone a teacher would like. But through almost every class I have known for a fact they didn't like me.

Chef D: I don't think she really didn't like me. But she seemed fairly indifferent (which is okay).
Chef A: Hated my guts. It was blatantly obvious.
Chef J: Seemed fine until we got the practical and things went downhill fast.
Chef Do: Can't stand me. Meg and I were gone (together) for the same amount of time today. She said not a thing to Meg (who was right in front of her) but came over to me and started getting hissy at me for not being in the kitchen. I could actually go on and on about the reasons I know she doesn't like me, but I'll have you take my word for it.
Chef K: I don't think he hates me, but I also don't think he likes me very much.

I just don't understand. What can I do? What am I doing now that is giving me such negative results? I had no problem making friends so it doesn't really make sense to me...

Sigh...maybe it's just because it was a long day but I'm not happy.

Winter

So I've assessed the situation and I've come to the conclusion I know exactly what winter is:

Winter is that friend. You know the one. You like her. She's nice. She sometimes has interesting things to say and she's great to go hangout with. But every single time you two do something (hangout, have a party, etc.) she shows up early and never leaves on time. If you say you're having a party from noon to four she's there at 11:20 and stays until 5:30.

You like her but at some point you just have to draw the line.

Just thought I'd share my findings.

P.S. Have you thanked Mother Earth lately? I've been thinking about starting a morning meditation ritual as it helps keeping one centered and relaxed. One of the suggestions I saw was to thank Mother Earth every morning for everything she gives. I thought it was a neat way of remembering all the ways your life is being blessed on a daily basis.

Perspective

While on the drive home from school this evening I was thinking of all the witty things to say about much the drive sucked. I was going to talk about the horrible traffic, the less than ideal rain/rain-snow/snow, the fog...you get the idea.

Then it hit me: the traffic was so bad because of a horrific car accident. Here I am complaining my butt off about how I had to sit in bumper to bumper traffic. But I wasn't on my way to a hospital. It wasn't me who was fighting for my life. Even more, it wasn't someone I loved. I am so, so thankful for that.

How selfish can I be, whining about having to spend 20 extra minutes in my heated car? How about the police officers that were directing traffic and cleaning up in the 34 degree rain? How were they feeling? I'd be willing to be they'd rather be in my car.

It's times like these that make me sad to realize just how desensitized I've become. It took me quite a while on the way home to realize how awful I was acting. If that had been my car that had been smushed I'd like to think people would care more about me than the extra time in their commute. But maybe that's asking too much.

I don't know, it just seems as if we don't feel like we should anymore. We think with our heads more than we feel with our hearts...

Sometimes It Just Hits You

I make it no secret, my love of music. I love listening to it, making it, discovering it.

Well I've discovered a new one. Okay, it's not new...at all. Just to me. I have fallen in love with Blackbird by The Beatles.

It's one of the most peaceful things I've ever heard in my life. The lyrics are pure poetry.

I find music I like quite often. But sometimes...it just hits me. And this hit me like a ton of bricks.

I haven't decided if I should cry, smile, sing, or frolic. I kind of want to do them all. And that's a beautiful thing.

Since it's almost 3:00 AM I've had to settle for learning how to play it on my violin (I'm only plucking of course, don't want to wake up the "neighbors"). It doesn't feel like enough, not even close (I was tired. Now I'm wide awake. Sigh...).

I stress myself out over silly, petty things like money or schoolwork. In the moment, my problems seem monumental. Like a mountain I will never crest. But when I take a step back, look at things in perspective, the mountain seems to shrink. I can do it. Whatever it is. Priorities seem to have this way of putting themselves in the correct order.

All this from one song. One song.

People underestimate how much music can do.

So, with a lump in my throat and a light feeling in my heart I'll drift off into a peaceful sleep. Thank you Paul and John. You are two beautiful souls.

Spring: Rebirth, Renewal, and Growth

Today was a great day. I didn't do anything magnificent. I didn't create a work of art or volunteer at a school. I didn't even put mascara on. It wasn't anything about me that made this day special. It was what's around me.

I'm writing this post to you at my kitchen bar, as I usually do. A few things are different, though. My front door is open. It's wide open letting Spring burst in billows into my apartment. My windows are open letting soft breezes waft over my belongings. Things are waking up. Not just the plants and the grass. My home. The couch, the shelves, the counters, the candles. They're all filling their lungs with the vitality that is sizzling in the air. It's electric. Something that not even my own body can ignore.

*Alert...I'm about to mention my "girlie time"*

Today is the first day of my period. I have what's known as PMDD which means that sometimes it's hard to cope for the first few days. I've been prescribed anti-depressants. Just to take when I need them. For a while now, I've needed them to survive the first two days.

This month, though, seems different. I have not taken a single pill today. I feel great. I feel cheerful and energetic and full of life.

This isn't a knock on prescription drugs. Not at all. This is merely me relishing in the Earth and the fact that sometimes Mother Natures cures just work better.

I am happy, healthy, and loved. I'd like to think that, maybe just for this moment, the world is right.

Thank you Spring. You may have taken a while to get here but I'm glad you made it. Please, stay a while.

There's Only So Much I Can Take

This is the email I sent to the Dean of Academics at ECC tonight:

Hello Mr. Brennan. I am emailing you today in the wee hours of the morning to voice a complaint. Now, I'll be quite honest, I'm not sure you are the person I should be speaking to. But if I'm really being truthful, I don't think it really matters all that much. You see, since being accepted to ECC back in the Spring of last year I've dealt with nothing but trouble. 

Between being thwarted countless times on the phone (I was living in Florida up until June of 2010 so it was impossible to pop in to the school with questions), being told I couldn't register because classes had been full for the baking program since before I had been accepted but hadn't been told until registration day, and many (trust me on this one) other grievances I have just about had it.

 I will not complain about my teachers or the curriculum. There are things I could say about both, but I'm choosing my battles here, and those two are pretty low on the list. What I'm upset about today is my lack of money. Now, you might be asking yourself how this is any of your concern. This is how:

My student loan was granted in August. I was a little later than I would've liked getting to it, but there were extenuating circumstances (see above regarding registration). It took a few months to get it first semester but I waited it out and finally it was given to me. This semester I was full of hope. "Surely, since it was approved last semester it will be mailed to me on the double!" Well, weeks passed. Then months...I went in to the financial aid office twice (maybe it was three times, I'm losing count) and asked two different office workers about my loan. Both repeated the same thing to me, "Yes, it says your loan has been approved. We do all our mailing on Fridays. Well, I would bet it's waiting for you at home right now!" It wasn't. Either time.

I don't want to bore you with my finances. But let's just say that $80 cell phone bill + $55 for a tank of gas (that'll last me a week and a half) + not getting enough hours at work (but can't get another job until I get my internship which is whole other can of worms that I won't exhaust your time with now) + no student loan = a VERY stressed out college student. 

It is halfway through the semester and I haven't gotten my money yet. I finally broke down in tears tonight because I just don't know what to do. Your financial aid department obviously also does not know what to do. Please, please tell me YOU know what you're doing. I (as well as many others I'm sure, including a good friend of mine that is unemployed and has three kids) really, truly need that money now. I don't understand what is taking so long. Please, shed some light on this subject.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I genuinely hope you can help me.

Sincerely, 

Kayla Clark

I have no idea if this will help but I have exhausted my other options (well, other than running into the financial aid office screaming and flailing my arms about, but I'm saving that for something really special). I'm hoping that by speaking to a higher up in an intelligent mature manner I will be heard and helped. We'll see...


**Update. Mr. Brennan informed me that he is not the one I should be speaking with. He did tell me who to talk to, though, so I changed out the names and sent the very same email once again. I will not give up until the check is in my hand.

You Can't Fight A Bond Like This

I want to chronicle a day in my life. One day in particular, actually.

This day started out as any other, nothing standing out. It was just before the beginning of the school year and my sister had begged me to come in and give her a hand setting things up in her classroom. It's when I got to her school that things really started taking a turn for the strange.

My sister and I were in her room when she realized she had forgotten something in her car and I graciously went to go get it for her. I was stopped in the parking lot by a woman in her early thirties or so. I smiled, as I usually do when I pass people (it's a habit I picked up working at Atlanta Bread that I haven't been able to let go), and figured we'd both keep walking.

She stopped, though, and so did I (as not to seem rude, of course). She started talking to me about being late or some other trite problem. I realized rather quickly that she wasn't talking to me at all. No, she was talking to my doppleganger, my sister. Even though I knew this was the case I couldn't think fast enough to speak a normal response and move on so instead I muttered something slightly incoherent and walked away. She looked a little confused but went on about her business.

I went back to my sisters classroom and we chuckled about the whole thing. Then she was off to a meeting and I was left sitting at her desk not doing much of anything (I can't remember now if that's because she didn't give me anything to do or if I was avoiding whatever she asked me to do...not important). A friend and fellow teacher of my sisters walked in the room and asked me when a meeting was (presumably the one my sister was at). My response was as follows:

"You know...I honestly have no idea."

This placated her and she left the room without another word. I don't think she ever realized it wasn't Rachel.

Soon after that a custodian lady walked in and asked me a question. I let her know that I was not in fact Rachel nor was I her twin. She bustled out of the room and returned moments later with another custodian lady. This was the conversation:

"Look! That's not Mrs. Kutz. No, it's her sister. Yeah, they're not even twins!"

I was chuckling to myself when Rachel came back in the room. Before I even had a chance to fill her in on the events since she had left she told me how a co-worker asked her if she had changed clothes. He had seen me walking the halls earlier and couldn't figure out why my sister would've changed her clothes in the middle of the day.

I would say this is annoying and sometimes it can be. But more than anything it makes the bond my sister and I share even more apparent. It's also extremely flattering since my sister is beautiful. Being mistaken for her is not too shabby.

I love you Rachel. I can't wait until we're together again. We are special. We are two-of-a-kind.


I'd also like to take this opportunity to say that I have been accepted to the University of Central Florida (my sisters alma mater). I'm now one step close to making my dream become my reality.

I stared up at the moon, tonight. What I saw was not a lifeless rock orbiting in outer space. I saw George Bailey offering the moon to Mary.

"What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary."

I saw love and romance. I'm not sure how and I'm not sure why. It meant something, though. Sometimes you are given a feeling or situation you can't explain, but it just is.

I felt love. Beautiful and unyielding, as it is.

More Picture Stories

I needed to write tonight so I decided to do more of these:

It was hard to see through the tears pouring from her glass eyes. She had just witnessed the death of her beloved.

It was too soon. This shouldn't have happened.

With her head held low she felt the ground rumble beneath her bare feet. She looked up in astonishment to see a tree raising itself from the ground. What's more, she saw her beloved within the limbs of the magnificent plant. It was not a mere manifestation of him. She could see the strength in his arms and the vibrance in his eyes.

The tree continued to grow, rising ten feet above her head. When it finally came to a halt her beloved looked down at her and smiled a smile so sweet that her heart filled with warmth.

Just as she reached out to touch him he began to fade. Not away, never away. He faded into the tree. He was the tree.

........................................

Her feet felt heavy as they did every night. Her job was not an easy one, mind you. Never easy.

You see, she was only twenty two when she was given her job. Twenty two is not an ideal time for one to receive such a monumental task. This had been eighty three years ago, though, so she tried not to dwell.

As she made her rounds, all around the world, she couldn't help but weep. She wept mostly for the children.

"I should not have to see them for many years to come." But, as was her duty, she collected them anyway and moved on.

She was death.

........................................

He plunked on the keys. His fingers were tentative, like they had forgotten. Only, he would never forget. He couldn't. No amount of blood on his hands would make him forget his past. As he grew accustomed to the piano at his fingertips, his playing increased. He soon was playing a ballad from memory; it was melancholy, but sweet. He could almost hear faint applaud. But that was silly. That lifetime was over.

I lost the link for the last picture but here are the links for the other two (there are more drawings/paintings like those and they're really cool):

Tree of Life

Death

My Winter Recap Thus Far

I have been thinking lately that I haven't really written very regularly on my blog. I was looking back at my oldest posts the other day and missed the way they just came to me. I always felt like my muse was standing over me, hand on shoulder, inspiring me to write what I did. My posts were lengthy and were something I was/am proud of.

I was saying this (maybe not in as much detail) to my lovely cousin, Chrissy and she reminded me of our winter adventures we have been taking part in the last month or so. How could I not have thought of that? This blog started out as my "letters to home" and how could I not share with you what I have done my first winter?

So I think it is quite fitting that I share with you everything that has happened to me recently:

First thing Chrissy and I partook in was sledding. She texted me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to go sledding in my backyard. The fact that I hadn't known I could sled in my backyard got me excited enough. After about twenty minutes we realized we were not strong enough to pack the snow ourselves. *insert weak girl joke here*

We went to Chestnut Ridge, a beautiful park not far from Eden and used their designated sledding hills. It was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. It's nice to know there are still things you can do for free that truly bring you joy.

I wiped out a few times and had a few near-heart attacks walking back up the hill but in the end was nothing but happy.

Next, we went to my first winter festival. It was cold. Like reallllllllly cold. Oh and it was in the middle of a snowstorm. Still fun, just cold. I saw my first quidditch match there and it's really hard to follow (but still awesome, of course). Unfortunately I had to work so I didn't get to stay for too long.

A week or so later we went tubing. This kiiiiiiiind of blew sledding out of the water (or snow, I guess I should say). There was no walking up the hill (you just sat in the tube and a pulley system pulled you up nice and slow). It was quite adventurous as I found out going down the first hill. It hurt. But was awesome. We went fast and got a lot of air. Both Chrissy and I mustered up the courage to go on the "extreme" lane and let me tell you...extreme was an understatement. At one point the tube was off the snow and I was off the tube. And what goes up must go down. My face went down, specifically. As in, it slammed against the tube as my airtime ended. I'll admit it, the more pain I felt, the more bad ass I felt, too. I still can't describe exactly how much fun I had, but I think Chrissy knows, regardless.

The next winter festival I went to had the perfect weather. It was sunny, about 25 degrees. Chrissy and I sawed our own chunk of wood and they branded a snowman on it.

We did a craft, got our faces painted. There was a news reporter interviewing people and we definitely made an effort to stand right next to them in hopes we would get interviewed. It was a no go...But that's okay because we got to go on a T-BOG! That's toboggan for those of us (like me, that had never heard of that before I moved here) that have no idea what a t-bog could be. It was $25 to rent one for two hours and that just seemed like too much so we scoped out two little girls that were hauling their toboggan up the hill and we asked them if we could borrow it. Thankfully, the mother had no problem with it and I got to experience the serious thrill that is tobogganing.

Our latest winter adventure was more educational than the rest. We went out on Lake Erie (literally were WALKING across the lake) and spotted the ice volcanoes. If you don't know what an ice volcano is click here (The guy talking was our guide!).Chrissy and I went out with about 40 other people (most of whom fit into the senior category) and observed the volcanoes. Here's a picture of one:

Pretty much everyone fell at least once. Chrissy and I both took a few spills but it was just too cool for that to bother me at all. It was really interesting and quite beautiful. End that with some Tim Horton's to warm up and it was just about perfect.

It's easy to get jaded in winter. It's simple to say you hate it and wish for spring everyday. I find myself doing that from time to time (there seems to be a direct correlation between these feelings and how much snow/ice is on my car) but when you do things like like I've been doing, really enjoy it, it doesn't seem so bad. It's the same with any season. I really, really don't like summer. Well, Eden summers aren't bad. But Florida summers are just rotten. Maybe, though, if I actually did some summer activities, things that can't be done any other time, I might warm up to it a little bit (pun INTENDED!).

So here's to winter! You rock (about 65% of the time)! And I'm glad you're here.

Happy winter, everybody!

P.S. To Chrissy, thank you so much for doing these things with me. I know I say thank you all the time but I hope you realize that this really does mean the world to me. I am going to miss you so much when I go back to Florida.

What do you do when you don't know what you want? Worse, what do you do when you know what you know what you want but are afraid to make it known. I'm feeling that way a bit right now. It's not something I feel I want to discuss but still, there are a good amount of thoughts tumbling around in this cranium of mine. I set out to write a lengthy, almost poetic post that makes me happy to look at. But shortly after starting I realized that if I don't want to spill my guts this post won't make any sense. So...I guess I'll just leave it at this. Does anyone get what I mean? Or am I not making any sense? I don't know. It's late and I should be asleep.

Good night, all.

"I like the cold, grey winter days...

...Days like these let you savor a bad mood."  -Bill Watterson


Winter has really settled in. I'm starting to understand why everyone here seems to detest the very mention of it during summer. While I wouldn't go so far as to say I hate it, it's not quite sunshine and roses. In fact, it's quite the opposite.


I am still captured by the whimsy of watching flurries float down slow, but not lazy. Fast, but not rushed. Straight, but not ordered. It's when I snap out of my haze and get back to the reality of scraping the ice off my car that I really miss summer.


Let me clarify that really quickly. I miss Eden, NY summers. I do not, however, miss Florida summers. I don't think I'll ever miss that monstrosity. 


But the lack of sun does tend to wear on my psyche. I don't remember the last time I saw the cheery yellow of the sun drifting through my windows, chasing the sorrows away. It's been a while. It has allowed me an abundance of time to feel down. That has manifested into many different things; homesickness, tiredness, and a very general blah feeling. This isn't constant, but it is quite close to majority.


I have a theory. I think that you can go without social activity or you can go without sunlight. But you can't do both. Obviously, this theory has some pretty gaping holes. But for me, it's pretty accurate. 


When the sun is shining I tend to have a bright outlook on things (No pun intended. Well, actually, it was kind of intended.) When I'm with friends or family I am at ease, forgetting that I have a ton of homework and come tomorrow I have "insert some mundane activity that for whatever reason I'm feeling major anxiety about here" to do.


But when it's snowing, overcast and I stay at home alone all day I tend to lose every last drop of contentedness I ever had. Unless, I've noticed, I clean. But there's only so much I can clean. The last few days I've been spending plenty of time with my friends and that, above all, seems to be helping a lot. 


What I'll end with is this: Winter is a mysterious, beautiful thing. If only it lasted for three weeks it'd be perfect. See you none-too-soon, Spring. I'll be waiting.