"Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity”

-T.S. Eliot

I set off today with the intention of going to the park. I was going to the park. Done. Well, none my friends were available. Hmm...next move. What should be my next move? Aha! I'll go alone. I did it a couple weeks ago and it was such a pure and relaxing trip I was excited to do it again. I didn't bring a picnic because I wasn't hungry and I didn't bring my book because I wanted to hike/walk a bit so my load was considerably smaller than last time. Also unlike last time the car ride over, while still lovely, filled me with a feeling of not-belonging. The whole way there anxiety started to creep up on me.

What was I going to do there? I don't even know where the trails are. Should I bring my towel and sunbathe a little? No...no one else will be and I'll look weird. Is it going to be weird that I'm alone? Most people will be with friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, family. I'm going to look like a loner on top of the fact that I don't know where I'm going.

Needless to say I contemplated turning around about a dozen times. Nevertheless, I got there. I couldn't park though.

Where should I park? Should I park here even though I want to walk somewhere else?

So I didn't park at all. I drove through the park once and left. It felt almost worse than turning around. I was such a coward I couldn't even admit my own defeat-I had to drive through just so I could tell myself I had gone. Pathetic.

I don't really know where the anxiety came from. It could easily have spread like a disease while I was getting dressed to go outside. I want to wear shorts. I do. It's more comfortable and they're easier to move around in. But...I simply don't feel comfortable wearing shorts right now. None of mine fit right and last time I went shopping for shorts I couldn't find any that were long enough or flattering. So then my insides beat themselves up. Should I say, "Screw it! I'm wearing shorts!"? Of course. But hello! That doesn't happen. So then I changed about four times. I'm thinking that might be where all this started.

Like I said, anxiety is like a disease. A disgusting black plague that attacks your insides in one place and as soon as it has won it races off to beat something else up.

Right now, I'm lying outside under a big oak tree listening to birdsongs. I'm better now, but I'm also wearing jeans.

Hey! Everybody! Newsflash! Life sucks. And life's great. Sometimes at the same time. Try not to over-analyze it, but you probably will. That's what makes us human.