Control: something nobody has

Dear you,

I have made a discovery I think you should know about. You are NOT in control. The job you're telling everybody you're going to get-not gonna happen. The standard of living you want-in your dreams. Yes, this is a disturbing discovery indeed.

I realized this when the job I was assured of fell through. I went ahead and backed out of the job I was actually hired for. I told everybody within ear shot that I got it. I had it. I was going to get the perfect part time job. Well, as I now know that was not the case. I woke up this morning to my cousin explaining in what seemed like a very angry text message (directed at her boss, not me). It's funny because even though her boss told my cousin that I wasn't getting the job she still hasn't actually told me this. Lovely.

Before I ever moved I told myself that I wanted to work in a doctor's office. I could do filing or be a receptionist. I would get decent pay, it wouldn't hurt my back, and I would be in a professional environment. Perfect. Not. Then I said I didn't want to work weekends. Nevermind! Apparently I'd love to work weekends! I got up here and soon realized that I needed to kick the selectiveness to the curb and find a job quick.

I said that I didn't want to work in a restaurant if I could avoid it. "Yeah, a cafe's okay but that's it". HA! Then I got the perfect job dangled in front of me and taken away just as quickly. So here I am. Jobless, broke, and so not in control.

There really isn't much more I can say about this without going into an angry rant and no one wants that.

In other news I had my first social interaction tonight. I went out with my cousin and his friends. They were cool. I think I may have given off a "shy bitch" vibe though as I said maybe seven words in four hours. I couldn't help it. I suppose it was good that I got out with people my own age. And it was so nice that my cousin took me. I hope he realizes how appreciative I am.

But it made me realize how very much I miss my friends. I'm just no good at making friends. I am too shy and quiet. Most of my friends I've known since elementary school. Others I was lucky enough to meet at work or school. But honestly those were flukes. I have no idea how I got them to like me. People think I'm so boisterous and friendly but that's only after you get to know me. Before that, I happen to be painfully shy.

So I end tonight on more of a melancholy note. I'm not weeping or anything, but there is definitely a dull ache in my heart. I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss my family. And tonight I really miss the familiarity of it all.

Good night, all.

Sincerely, me