But I started a new blog. While this is more of a journal type of blog, this new one is a funny (hopefully)/foodie/crafty blog. I'm still getting into the swing of things but if you haven't seen it, go check it out. I just posted a new story and everything!
Happy and Full of Ice Cream
These are my letters to home of the twenty first century.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Oopsies
Real quick before I start my post I want to say that this past month has gone by faster than expected so WHOOPS for not posting at all.
So, I made a poopy friend mistake this week. I have this issue where I get all anxious about things. Especially when they have to do with people I care about. I want to make them as happy as possible, no matter what. That is, of course, an unrealistic expectation. Not only is that just impossible, I'm also not perfect and I'd say a good 30% of the time I just get it wrong. Well, this was one of those times.
A folk music festival is coming up that I really want to go to. I had been debating whether or not to attend because I couldn't think of anybody to go with. No one I know has a real passion for folk music so I don't want to pressure or guilt anyone to go with me. But then I had a stroke of genius! A friend from a few classes here at UCF is a folkie as well, which I just learned. I don't know her super well, but I figure she seems really cool and when I brought the festival up to her her eyes got wide and she seemed really interested.
Yay me! I had solved my problem. Case closed, right? Wrong.
I mentioned this to my best friend in the whole wide world. I told her how I knew she probably wouldn't really want to go since she wasn't into folk music too much. Here comes that pleasing everyone thing that I mentioned earlier. While I could have asked Cheryl, I was too worried she wouldn't want to go. Then, I worried that she wouldn't want to go but she'd feel like she had to since I couldn't find anyone else to go. If she felt obligated then that meant she wouldn't really want to be there so I'd spend the whole time trying to help her have fun. Which would effectively kill any fun the two of us could have. That's how the scenario played out in my head. Anxiety.
She seemed a bit quiet when I told her about my new friend that I was going to invite but otherwise seemed fine. The next day I excitedly told her how Demi (said new friend) seemed like she really wanted to go. Cheryl seemed quiet yet again and this time I didn't just brush it off. She explained to me that when I had said I wanted to go she thought I was going to ask her, as she had actually kind of wanted to go since I had so much fun the last time I went. Instant guilt.
Why is it that as her "best friend" I wasn't able to just know she wanted to come? By now, I've made a whole big mess of things because I simply cannot un-invite Demi. But I want to invite Cheryl. But now she will see it as a pity invite which it's not. But honestly if the situation were reversed that's how I would probably take it. And if she did come then I'd have the anxiety that comes from hanging out with two friends of mine that don't know each other. Trust me, it's no fun.
Basically, I feel like I've made it seem as though I would rather spend time with a girl a kind of know than the one I claim to be best friends with. Sometimes I feel like I just can't do anything right. Like I'm a royal screw-up. I should have asked her first. But I didn't. And now I feel bad.
Moral of the story: I'm not perfect. I make mistakes...kind of a lot. They make me feel more guilt than I feel is normal. I know I can never achieve perfection but I wish I could get a little closer. Another moral: I feel anxiety. A lot. The older I get the more social anxiety I seem to have. I feel like that's not good. Hmm...maybe I'll get that checked out.
Hope you're having a more mistake-free week than I am.
P.S. If I seem a little candid about my issues (namely anxiety at the moment) it's because I don't see the point in hiding it. Most people do; I usually do. But why? There's no good reason. Mental illness comes in every shade, not just black and white. Why be ashamed?
*Update: I'm tired of feeling bad for things. I don't think I'll do it anymore.*
So, I made a poopy friend mistake this week. I have this issue where I get all anxious about things. Especially when they have to do with people I care about. I want to make them as happy as possible, no matter what. That is, of course, an unrealistic expectation. Not only is that just impossible, I'm also not perfect and I'd say a good 30% of the time I just get it wrong. Well, this was one of those times.
A folk music festival is coming up that I really want to go to. I had been debating whether or not to attend because I couldn't think of anybody to go with. No one I know has a real passion for folk music so I don't want to pressure or guilt anyone to go with me. But then I had a stroke of genius! A friend from a few classes here at UCF is a folkie as well, which I just learned. I don't know her super well, but I figure she seems really cool and when I brought the festival up to her her eyes got wide and she seemed really interested.
Yay me! I had solved my problem. Case closed, right? Wrong.
I mentioned this to my best friend in the whole wide world. I told her how I knew she probably wouldn't really want to go since she wasn't into folk music too much. Here comes that pleasing everyone thing that I mentioned earlier. While I could have asked Cheryl, I was too worried she wouldn't want to go. Then, I worried that she wouldn't want to go but she'd feel like she had to since I couldn't find anyone else to go. If she felt obligated then that meant she wouldn't really want to be there so I'd spend the whole time trying to help her have fun. Which would effectively kill any fun the two of us could have. That's how the scenario played out in my head. Anxiety.
She seemed a bit quiet when I told her about my new friend that I was going to invite but otherwise seemed fine. The next day I excitedly told her how Demi (said new friend) seemed like she really wanted to go. Cheryl seemed quiet yet again and this time I didn't just brush it off. She explained to me that when I had said I wanted to go she thought I was going to ask her, as she had actually kind of wanted to go since I had so much fun the last time I went. Instant guilt.
Why is it that as her "best friend" I wasn't able to just know she wanted to come? By now, I've made a whole big mess of things because I simply cannot un-invite Demi. But I want to invite Cheryl. But now she will see it as a pity invite which it's not. But honestly if the situation were reversed that's how I would probably take it. And if she did come then I'd have the anxiety that comes from hanging out with two friends of mine that don't know each other. Trust me, it's no fun.
Basically, I feel like I've made it seem as though I would rather spend time with a girl a kind of know than the one I claim to be best friends with. Sometimes I feel like I just can't do anything right. Like I'm a royal screw-up. I should have asked her first. But I didn't. And now I feel bad.
Moral of the story: I'm not perfect. I make mistakes...kind of a lot. They make me feel more guilt than I feel is normal. I know I can never achieve perfection but I wish I could get a little closer. Another moral: I feel anxiety. A lot. The older I get the more social anxiety I seem to have. I feel like that's not good. Hmm...maybe I'll get that checked out.
Hope you're having a more mistake-free week than I am.
P.S. If I seem a little candid about my issues (namely anxiety at the moment) it's because I don't see the point in hiding it. Most people do; I usually do. But why? There's no good reason. Mental illness comes in every shade, not just black and white. Why be ashamed?
*Update: I'm tired of feeling bad for things. I don't think I'll do it anymore.*
Friday, December 30, 2011
Technology Hates Me
The Hard Drive on my one-year-old computer is not feeling so well as of late. I can feel the slimy tendrils of stress slithering around my shoulders whispering angry nothings into my ear. I am already considering how much it will cost me (I can guarantee you it will be more than what is in my pitifully small bank account). There's also the problem of my cell phone. HAHA! The fact that I've never been able to keep a phone alive for very long is a family favorite when taking jabs at me. I don't physically break them but they all seem to malfunction without fail (...or with fail? I don't know). Either way, I now have a phone on the fritz and a computer with an impending crash. Needless to say I was feeling pretty down and out. I was whining (perhaps a little too much) and my mom said these words to me, "My God! You're like one big First World Problem!"
Through the laughing that ensued I saw the wisdom in her words. She was right. These are both First World Problems. While they are still very prevalent in my mind since school starts back up in a week, I can take to heart that I still have food in my tummy and a roof over my head.
Happy New Year, all.
Through the laughing that ensued I saw the wisdom in her words. She was right. These are both First World Problems. While they are still very prevalent in my mind since school starts back up in a week, I can take to heart that I still have food in my tummy and a roof over my head.
Happy New Year, all.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Christmas Time Is Here
Why is it that I spend the first eleven months of the year singing the joys of Christmas and when it comes I just wish it would be over? I get stressed and disheartened and generally just wish it'd pass as quickly and with as little pain as possible. About this time every December, though, I find something to be the kick in the pants I need to get back in the spirit. It's different every year. This year it came in the form of a very dear friends blog post. She wrote everything I wish I could think of. Give it a read, it's worth your time.
Reframing: Holiday Style
Reframing: Holiday Style
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Date A Girl Who Reads
"If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads." - Rosemarie Urquico "Date A Girl Who Reads"
Sometimes I feel like I must be the only one to feel the way I do, but then I remember there are seven billion people on this planet. I cannot possibly be the only one who feels so strongly. When I am sad, I am devastated. When I am happy, I feel as though I'm floating amongst the heavens with the sun radiating inside me. When I read a book, I feel the book. I'm still not quite convinced some people understand how deep this can go.
I once had an idea for a new story. I was writing feverishly and listening to a song from a movie score. The song flung me into a pit of despair and I found myself writing and weeping. No, I was not just being an emotional wreck. I was feeling. Simply feeling. Feeling so strongly that I thought I was the story, that it was all happening to me.
Does this happen to any of you? Do you have moments when you're listening to a song and you can't help but close your eyes, purse your lips shut tight-you couldn't bear to speak? You just...feel. You get swept away in a sea of emotion, be it happy, sad, quiet, or loud.
If this doesn't happen to you-I'm sorry. Even when it's a sad moment, being able to feel so deeply and strongly is something that everyone should experience. If it does, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.
Sometimes I feel like I must be the only one to feel the way I do, but then I remember there are seven billion people on this planet. I cannot possibly be the only one who feels so strongly. When I am sad, I am devastated. When I am happy, I feel as though I'm floating amongst the heavens with the sun radiating inside me. When I read a book, I feel the book. I'm still not quite convinced some people understand how deep this can go.
I once had an idea for a new story. I was writing feverishly and listening to a song from a movie score. The song flung me into a pit of despair and I found myself writing and weeping. No, I was not just being an emotional wreck. I was feeling. Simply feeling. Feeling so strongly that I thought I was the story, that it was all happening to me.
Does this happen to any of you? Do you have moments when you're listening to a song and you can't help but close your eyes, purse your lips shut tight-you couldn't bear to speak? You just...feel. You get swept away in a sea of emotion, be it happy, sad, quiet, or loud.
If this doesn't happen to you-I'm sorry. Even when it's a sad moment, being able to feel so deeply and strongly is something that everyone should experience. If it does, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Uh Oh
Gosh darnit I did it again. I promise I will not leave this blog forever.
A few things have happened since I last wrote, the biggest of which is being diagnosed with ADHD. Yeah...I've never really been diagnosed with anything. Well, that's not true. I found out a couple years ago that I have PMDD but other than that, this is kind of a new feeling for me. While, in this day and age, it is not so detrimental to my well being what with medication, seeing a therapist, finding grounding techniques, it is still something that can be a huge part of your life if you let it.
Either way, it's still been something that's been on my mind quite a bit as of late. All those little things that are a part of who I am that I attributed to being a little "eccentric" or maybe that everybody feels that way. Well, I guess they don't. It's strange but extremely relieving to know that I have a bonified reason to be struggling in school right now, and not just that I'm dumb or lazy.
I'll leave that subject at that and move on to other news.
The holidays are upon us and I am quite excited. My cute little apartment is now my cute little Christmas apartment. It's cozy and festive. I wish it could stay this way all year long. :) Soon, the semester will be over and I'll have about three weeks to enjoy at home with my sure to be beautiful baby nephew that is so close to joining this world. All in all, life is good. A bit hectic and stressful, but good none the less.
I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving and I hope you do as well.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Kayla
A few things have happened since I last wrote, the biggest of which is being diagnosed with ADHD. Yeah...I've never really been diagnosed with anything. Well, that's not true. I found out a couple years ago that I have PMDD but other than that, this is kind of a new feeling for me. While, in this day and age, it is not so detrimental to my well being what with medication, seeing a therapist, finding grounding techniques, it is still something that can be a huge part of your life if you let it.
Either way, it's still been something that's been on my mind quite a bit as of late. All those little things that are a part of who I am that I attributed to being a little "eccentric" or maybe that everybody feels that way. Well, I guess they don't. It's strange but extremely relieving to know that I have a bonified reason to be struggling in school right now, and not just that I'm dumb or lazy.
I'll leave that subject at that and move on to other news.
The holidays are upon us and I am quite excited. My cute little apartment is now my cute little Christmas apartment. It's cozy and festive. I wish it could stay this way all year long. :) Soon, the semester will be over and I'll have about three weeks to enjoy at home with my sure to be beautiful baby nephew that is so close to joining this world. All in all, life is good. A bit hectic and stressful, but good none the less.
I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving and I hope you do as well.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Kayla
Friday, October 28, 2011
I ♥ Film Festivals pt. 2
Saturday, Cheryl and I watched the movie I had been most anticipating: Adante. It was spoken in Hebrew and was about a society that couldn't dream anymore. You should watch the trailer (Andante trailer) because it gives you a really good grasp at the theme of the movie. I had a hard time following the scenes because I felt like I was missing something but then it dawned on me that what I was seeing might be following more of a dreamers perspective. It's not supposed to make total sense. Sure enough, when I got home and looked at a more detailed synopsis I knew I got just what I was supposed to from the film and would love to see it again and catch some things I surely missed.
After that we saw The Pill. This was a welcome break to the mind-a romantic comedy. I thought the leading actress Rachel Boston (who also starred in 10 Years Later) was delightful to watch on screen and felt like she really made the movie her own. She faintly reminded me of Zooey Deschenal, just in her eclectic and slightly off-the-wall personality.
Our very last film of the festival was Vamperifica (vamperifica.com). This one was a great mixture of drama, suspense, and comedy. Trying to bring back their vampire king, two vampires turn a flamboyantly gay community college student (Carmen) into a vampire. Even though he is the reincarnation of the ancient king his soul has morphed so much over the 200 years that the vampires that turned him are forced to try and take him down. They lose, and in the process turned one of his best friends. They end up living a happy/bloody eternity.
Ahhh and the festival was over. There was one more set of shorts we were going to watch Sunday but both of us were dead beat and decided that sitting in bed all day in our pj's sounded like more fun than getting all dolled up once again, driving twenty minutes, and paying a ridiculous amount of money for tolls/parking just for one set of shorts (and it was). Between getting really good at walking in heels, to learning a little about the process of making an independent film, to walking around downtown and discovering a beautiful park this festival has got me hooked. I want to go to more and I can already say that my name will be on the list for the festival next year.
The only thing I would change is getting the VIP badges. While the free popcorn was nice, I don't really think we got enough out of it. A whole festival pass was only $15. If we had've gone to all the parties for VIPs I'd say it was worth the money. We planned on going to them, but every night when we got out of our last movie the prospect of walking to wherever the party was, hanging out for a while, and having to get up for school the next day was just never worth it. Plus I got sick just in time for the weekend (yay me).
That being the only complaint, though, I'm one happy chick.
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